Pumpkin Spice Season

As I sit back on the morning train, sipping a 7/11 Pumpkin Spice Latte, I find myself reminiscing. It had only been a couple years now that Pumpkin Spice hit the market which I think is due to Starbucks. Luckily, other popular coffee spots, Dunkin Donuts & 7/11, also joined in.

Now I'm not reminiscing about coffee, but where the flavor brings me.

It makes me think back to Pumpkin Patches with Logan. Trick or treating on my childhood street. Driving down Bethpage Parkway just to enjoy the changing leaves. I love autumn.

In the last three weeks, to the day, I lost my dad, celebrated the anniversary of his mother and father's deaths, 11/1 was Nanny and today, 11/3 is Papa's. I don't think any of these have ruined my love of this season. Instead, I try to understand how seasons change, lives change, and everything completes its own cycles.

Perhaps its the beautiful palette of this season, that allows me to still love God's beauty. I don't understand any of it, but my faith in the universe stays intact. So, I will continue to sip my latte, look out the window, and remember with a smile all the things I love about fall.

Time

Time has stopped for me. I don't mean in the literal sense. I just can't look too far ahead anymore. A month ago, I had no doubt how great life was and was looking forward to the unexpected. As I now deal with my new life and the many changes that I'll experience without Dad in my corner, I don't want to look to far ahead. I really just live for today.

I try not to let my thoughts go to a negative place. But...I rack my brains trying to understand what I didn't see. I believe my heart knew, but logic wouldn't accept that Dad wasn't going to bounce back.

I look at the calendar, pics and videos over the past months, past doctor visits on statements coming in the mail, and things Dad had said over and over again. The analyst in me is trying to put together a time line for the missing pieces to help me understand what happened. I will never fully know, but some pieces have clarified the picture a bit and brought some comfort.

Yestetday, Logan and I saw Justin Timberlake's new movie "In Time." This is where minutes replace money as the main commodity for living. A cup of coffee cost four minutes. Throughout the film, I wondered how much time I would have given to my dad, would give to Logan...and others I loved. I even thought about banking minutes through overtime for desperate people at the end of their time.

The one thing I took away is that we can't live forever. According to the movie, Dad would have celebrated his 25th birthday (you stop aging at 25) 50x...and THAT he might have lived as each day for the 49 years were lived out to the last second.

So, I go on a bit slower, a bit more cautious, and grateful for all that I have at this moment. It can be hard for me at times, but no doubt what Dad would want. Today, I visit 92-year-old Olivia in rehab and will give her some of my minutes. Olivia is "In Time." She does live for each day...money no longer matters.

Who will your share your minutes with?

My Hardest Post Written

I'm not in the mood to write, but think I need to in order to move on. Last Thursday, October 13, 2011, my father passed away in our home. The weeks prior to his passing were difficult for him as he was unable to sleep, enjoy food, simply put, very uncomfortable.

It is only now that I look back that I realize this was longer than the three weeks I remembered. I think I can now recognize that during the hurricane on August 28th that his health was on a downward spiral.

Having said this, I think that Dad was tired. Tired of not being able to stop smoking, tired of being at the mercy of his body, and even too tired to fight anymore.

Logan and I are left with many memories as we had lived together for eight years. Dad, or Papa as Logan called him, became the day-to-day father figure. This loss is so new that Logan has not even begun to grieve.

Me...I cry often. I cried when I reached for phone when checking in for work. I cried when Logan was playing XBox and I couldn't steal away a visit with dad. I cried when I realized he was alone when he passed.

I also smiled and laughed. I smiled at Logan when the police honor guard stepped before us. I laughed when I found a diary with only a few entries started in 2007. I laughed when I saw newspapers piling up on stairs as I can't yet cancel his subscription.

Over the next weeks, I'll fill in some blanks that I just can't write down. Yet.

"Dad, I love you always no matter what...here or there...you are my Home!"

16 Again?

I wish this would be a post about turning Sweet 16 or embracing this magical era of our lives in the later years. It’s not. It is the unexpected weight gain of…gulp…16 pounds. I knew that I had put on a good 8-10 pounds after having my band loosened and taking a med with the side effect of a sweet tooth. It was once again through the eyes of my beloved mom that I ran out for a new scale. So, for the first time in 3.5 years, I have gained weight. What the hay? That can’t be so. Or I won’t let it be so.

With that, it’s back to the old drawing board. Deep self searching, soul searching, why-do-I-sabotage-myself thinking. And I have the answer. I don’t really care. Not true – I do care, I just don’t understand why I don’t care more about myself. Why do I keep holding onto blocks or creating blocks that interfere with a physically better me? Therapy, meditation, late night talks, self-help books…nothing seems to get through to me.

Well, I’m trying a new approach. No regret. No guilt. No flashbacks. Eyes forward and one day at a time is the approach that I will try to take. It helps that my dad needs my help with his dietary needs as he has been under the weather for the past three weeks. Add that Logan is about to swim hours upon hours with the school team, that nutrition has to be viewed as fuel. With that, we are living the Joanie-Nutrition method. It might not be famous to more than our immediate family and Logan’s buddy who lived within this method for ten days with happy results, but it works.

Ready for the secret…simply eat. That is eating three meals and healthy snacks in between. That’s it. No measuring, no weighing, no eliminating. I’ll throw in one more ingredient, moderation, and you have the perfect recipe to better living.

Let me end this post with a positive reinforcement (to self) that when racing from class to class during Open House at the high school, I’ve seen old friends who commented again and again on how I’ve changed. Add to the fact that I enjoyed a preview of my upcoming Teacher-Speed-Date-Night* my MoJo is back. For me that translates as MOm JOan way of living.

Off to the arboretum today for some much needed girl-talk with Kerry as we enjoy a crisp autumn day. A little more encouragement from her, and I am back, baby.

*Note to all: female and married teachers will be eliminated from my night of speed dating. That may leave only one or two actual 4-minute dates during Parent/Teacher Night…but that might be all I need. To be continued…

"What's in a Name?"

“...that which we call a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet." You have to give it to Shakespeare – deep and interesting statement.

Some people’s names were already chosen maybe 10 or 20 years before they were born. In this case, usually this name had followed a woman through the early years as she imagines what her future family will be like. She can’t name her husband…but her kids, that’s another story. Many have names that had been rolled over tongues, spoken out loud, analyzed every which way, or simply inherited through the family lineage within the nine months prior to birth. And then the remaining names were decided after being held, viewed, sniffed, touched, and covered with kisses by very proud and excited new-born-parents.

We have no input. We are given a name and then must either live up to it, shake the image of it, or just go with it.

My experience as a parent was the second example. It was during pregnancy that my son's name was decided. It was the rolling off the tongue, receiving the approval of a very dear but critiquing friend, and visualizing what others would think of when saying the name. That name being Logan. My image was of a handsome boy that the girls would swoon over with breathy voices as they say “Logan.” And the other image was of boys saying “It’s Logan – get him!” as they chase him. (My image was always of a Casanova loved by some and envied by others.) When I later learned of Logan-the-Lifeguard from Baywatch and Logan-the-Comic-Book-Hero a.k.a. Wolverine that I realized it fit my child. My swimmer and formerly long-haired rough-and-tumble boy is a Logan. As he now begins his 12th year of school, including preschool, he has been the only Logan in his grade and in his schools that we know of. I’m happy to say that he likes his name. The only thing that wasn’t really considered is there is no nickname for him. Though that doesn’t stop me from calling him Loag. (He hates when I write it like that which I’ve only started doing because of cell phones. I save a letter by shortening it. Come on – “Log” wouldn’t read right.)

Now on to my name - Karen. This is a derivative of Catherine which mean pure. Ha ha. Pure. Now I do consider myself a Snow White want-to-be as I feed the forest animals each day. Yes, forest animals – birds and squirrels. My heart is pure too. Maybe that’s where it comes from. This name was chosen for me for two reasons. One being that my older sister’s name begins with a K – Kristina. The second reason was both of our names were international known to our family and friends in Germany and Norway. Pronunciation is another story. In NY, it’s Kaa-ren with a flat “a.” In Germany, it s Carr-in with a rolling “r.” And in Norway, it’s pronounced Carn taking away the "e" and making it one syllable. No matter, all versions worked for me through the years.

It is now that I am hitting part three of my life (youth, parenthood, and now the soul searching phase) that I may reinvent myself. Maybe not reinvent myself but shed a little bit of the old me away and welcome in the new. With that, I have slowly begun changing my name. Okay, okay, it was only yesterday at Starbucks. I usually would give them my porn-name Zelda. Just kidding about the porn, but I really would say Zelda to the barista. There was never a second Zelda waiting in the crowd for their skinny pumpkin spice latte with extra cinnamon. I baptized myself with a regular pumpkin spice latte with extra cream and gave the name…Ren. I felt grown up. I felt reborn. I felt like an idiot when they said “Rem? Rem? Grande Pumpkin Spice Latte? "

So as of now, I remain up in the air if Shakespeare was right and a Karen by any other name is still a Karen.

To be continued. Come back and visit blog in January when I host a “Rebirthing Party” for my dear friends as we embrace 2012 and all the new beginnings available to us.

Signed…Ren (what the heck!)

My King "T.U.T."

I wonder if this post's title brings the image of Ancient Egypt to mind. Maybe the use of the words "my king" makes you think of a ruling force in my life. If so, you are half right about a force in my life.

As I finally understand the magic within me, I have found that my belief in my ability to affect the world - my world - is at an all time high. I can thank, in part, Mike Dooley. As a motivational speaker spreading the power of the Law of Attraction, he has created what I call a good-morning-wake-up-call that reminds me of how great I am (and you too!) At no cost, I signed up for http://www.tut.com/ .

Each morning my blackberry automatically powers up one minute before the phone's alarm clock sounds. This means that my blackberry beeps with any and all emails sent between 11:30pm-6:00am. (Let me steer off post as I explain that I have my smart-phone set to auto off/on allowing me to be clock-free in my bedroom. I hate time reminders as well as the glow of an electric clock. And the tick-tock of a wind up clock would be an almost tell-tale-heart like feeling for me.)

Before the alarm sounds, I reach over and click on my TUT: Note from the Universe message. I am almost guaranteed a smile or chuckle as I wake up still warm and cozy under the covers.

Today's message is what prompted this post:

"Not only is everyone beautiful in their own way, Karen, but everyone is beautiful to someone else as well. Just a couple of little perks I built into your whole continuum-thingy. Cool, huh? The Universe"

Not only is it a personalized message for me, but a strong sentiment that squashes any adolescent-like insecurities that I might experience when I compare myself to other beautiful babes who might be the temporary blocks in my soul mate's path on his way to find me.

After reading today's wake-up message, I swung my legs out from under the covers to the side of my bed, breathed in, and remembered once again, how lucky I am to be me and open to all this wonderment.

This falls to LoA as Mike always knows how to stomp out negative vibes and pump up the positive, thereby, resulting in me affecting my world, my day, my universe.

All hail my dear TUT!

BTW - TUT stands for 'Totally Unique Thoughts.' And to the more senior readers BTW stands for 'by the way.'

Rainbow Bridge

It’s been nearly a month now since Shadow had his seizure. Looking back, I am very grateful that it happened when both Logan and I were home with him on that fateful Sunday evening. In fact, not only were we home, we were both within feet from him – me in the doorway and Logan in the den. I realize now that if it would have happened while we were at out or even upstairs by dad, we would never have really understood what had taken place. It’s funny how such afterthoughts can bring comfort during sad times.

On Monday, we had left Shadow with our trusted vet for overnight observation. It was on Tuesday, when this story starts. I had shared with my boss Carol our ordeal. Being a serious dog-lover, Carol reminded me as I stood in her doorway on the way out, to do be strong and prepare for this difficult decision that may lie ahead. (Carol and I have worked together soon to be 18 years and have very few filters within our communications.) I looked directly at her and said, “I’m not worried. I’ll have a sign when it’s time.” And within in one breathe and a hushed “oh my Gosh – look!” There over Carol’s head was a rainbow. I have never, I repeat never, seen a rainbow in Manhattan. Carol turned and said, “Well, there’s your sign - it’s Rainbow Bridge.” I was unfamiliar with Rainbow Bridge. Carol immediately googled it and printed it out for me to read.

Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable. All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.

The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind. They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart. Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together ~Author Unknown

As you may have read on a previous post, Shadow went on to live two more weeks. We had some good and grateful moments and memories in this short time. And when it was time, I knew it with every ounce of my heart, soul, and mind, as did Shadow. Both of us had taken the time to say good-bye to each other during these precious weeks. Logan too had the time he needed to accept the inevitable.

I’ll end this story with today’s discovery. Working from home, I finally called over to the pet crematorium to set up a time to pick up Shadow’s ashes. Now, I had been in contact with the crematorium three times and never knew them as anything other than the pet crematorium people. You could have knocked me over with a feather (or rather large pillow filled with feathers) when the woman gave me directions to this industrial area and said the name on the awning is…wait for it…Rainbow Bridge.

Now, a logical person would say it’s a marketing gimmick. Embracing my inner beliefs and holding on tight to my intuition and knack of seeing signs, it was much, much more than that. Maybe tonight, I will be able to sleep after saying out loud, “good night Shadow, I love you” without tears on my pillow. For years, this was how I ended my days each night with Shadow at the foot of my bed. Maybe one day it will turn to a quiet whisper, then maybe a thought, and finally a gentle memory.

Flipping Rooms

As posted at the start of summer, we are flipping around our rooms. The master bedroom is becoming the large Family Room. Logan's small bedroom is becoming my personal haven. Our sunlit den is becoming Logan's lair. Within the next two weeks, two of the three rooms will be complete. It is such a renewing process.

This being my childhood home makes it that much closer to my heart. Let me further explain. Some friends do not understand the downsizing of my sleeping rooms, I'm embracing it. After 15 years looking up at the same ceiling area, I'm moving only 15 feet or so north. I believe that once I look up at the new ceiling, I may find the comfort in this ceiling as it was both mine and Logan's nursery rooms. Welcome back nostalgia!

Now in Logan's case, his new lair will be a room of convenience to him. It's the other side of the house & central to our day time living. No longer is his bedroom hidden at the back of the house away from every day living. He will be off the kitchen, dining room, and living room. In other words, he can hunker down in there and choose to be part of family living or just close his door and enjoy his hide away.

So as the final steps of painting, new flooring, and new beds take place, I look forward to rolling up my sleeves and finishing the last room of my post-divorce home. I find it apropos that the final redo is turning the master bedroom into the perfect family room. Ten years after the demise of my marriage...my time has finally arrived. I embrace our immediate family and finally understand that our family of two is as perfect as a family with both parents and the two or three children I had dreamed about as a child.

Surviving High School

So far so good. Nobody has stolen Logan's lunch money. Nobody has stuffed him in a locker. Nobody has knocked books out of his hands. Nobody has forced him "try a smoke."

Okay, it's only Day Three, but I've seen one too many teen movies depicting high school as four years of hell. My own high school experience was fine. Never had detention. No fights. Nothing haunting me. Some fleeting feelings of inadequacy which I chalk up to normal, healthy adolescence growing pains.

This year, I'm happy to say that Logan has six male teachers out of his eight teachers. Hoping this smorgasbord of testosterone models a variety of male characteristics that Logan can mimic and maybe some traits he chooses to deflect. Keep in mind that Logan has minimal male influence in his daily life.

Another plus is that this means I get to have a speed date with these men when it comes to Parent/Teacher night. That's when you get four minutes with each teacher for some one-on-one time. Of course, it's all about Logan, right?!? Right. Let me bring this post back to Logan...

Logan has friends, plus a couple ex-GFs, in almost all his classes. Ironically, he was seated next to one of his ex-GFs who is a grade older, but this should have been expected since he does take some advanced classes. He's enjoying lunch with his three good friends. A little icing on the cake is that one of his teachers was his tech teacher from last year. Hopefully, familiarity brings comfort not contempt. Sad to say that is the one class that has soured his first week just a tiny bit. A senior told him and his other two friends "you look stupid." Now tell me, what does that even mean? Knowing this teacher, he'll squelch that sort of behavior if it becomes a common occurrence. And if not, it means I can request a teacher conference if needed.{{{wink - wink}}}

As Day Three plays out, let's remember as Mike Dooley says "thoughts become things." And I think it's going to be a great year for student and student's mom.

POST SCRIPT: Two weeks of school have almost concluded and there is peace in the valley. No issues with any upperclassman. Freshman Friday was gentle to him and he now knows about 26 upperclassman from that Tech class. Whew!

Summer's End

Tomorrow is the unofficial close of summer. Pools, parks, and beaches close. School begins. Traffic gets heavier. Air conditions quiet down. To some this might be sad, but I find myself excited to greet the fall season.

Logan begins High School on Tuesday and is more than ready for this school. After swimming at the pool for the past three years, he is very familiar with the public areas such as the cafeteria, the gym, the restrooms, the pool, the library and the hang-out-between-classses-area known as the Commons. He also knows enough upperclassmen to give him the comfort of belonging. Add to all this that he is expected to be on the Varsity Swim team, and it looks like an exciting freshman year for him.

Now as for me, it's my time. The summer was very busy work wise and also home-project wise. I am looking forward to continuing working at home three days a week but shutting down at 5pm. Hoping to put some of the long days of overtime to rest for now. This will allow me a more normal night life. I guess I see the fall as a time of more downtime for me than the busy summer days and nights. (Just wait until winter when I can just snuggle in a blanket and hibernate.)

Other than the loss of Shadow, this has been a great summer and no regrets. We played, danced, sang, worked, swam, ate, partied, and celebrated...who needs summer for that. Welcome autumn! Hayrides, hot cider, Halloween parties, fall festivals...hello fall!

Hot, Hot, Hot....Florida That Is!

It was time for Logan's annual visit to Florida to visit Joanie (his grandmother formerly known as Omi) and Rudi. This year, Logan traveled with his buddy Kevin, for a 10-day visit. Within a week, i was there for my portion of the visit, that being only 4 days.

In my short time, we hit the beach, Sarasota's artsy boutiques, watched the boys go off on their segway tour, swam, jacuzzi-ed, shopped, movies, sat, talked, talked, and talked. This was the first time that the boys had spent so much time together. I think they did great and quickly recognized that they needed some "alone time" or maybe "away from each other time." And...to each boys' relief, this time was well received.

Now, I began this post with the title "hot,hot,hot..." and it was. After waiting a lonnng time in Burger King for four refreshing milk shakes, it finally dawned on me. Everybody thinks NYers visiting Florida are rude. We are not rude, we are just really, really hot.

As I finish this post in my cool, comfy bed, I hear the humming of my A/C overhead and smile to myself as I throw a blanket over my legs. Ahhh! or maybe Brrrr! sums it up. Happy to have gone. Happy to be home.

My Shadow

Two weeks and a day after his seizure, Logan and I had to say good-bye to our sweet puppy. We had hoped that he would slowly get better or at least be around much longer in a slower fashion. This did not happen.

Shadow had seemed to improve each day before I left for Florida to catch up with Logan and his buddy Kevin at mom and Rudi's. Daily phone calls to the vet, where he was boarded for the first time ever, were more encouraging then I had expected. Truthfully, whenever I asked "how is Shadow today?", I'd get the response "He's doing good." "Really?" "Yes, he's doing good."

Logan and I raced off to the vet as soon as we returned from the airport last Friday. Knowing that Shadow would slip and slide on the vet's linoleum floor from excitement when he saw us, they took him out the backdoor to the grassy area for our reunion. I was surprised and concerned when Shadow barely glanced at us and simply pulled gently on the leash that had been handed to me. He seemed to be almost shell-shocked.

Saturday was an okay day for him and us as we prepared for Hurricane Irene and secured our backyard items and prepared in the home as well. That evening, he seemed uncomfortable but Reiki really seemed to calm him into a nice deep, lethargic sort of state. As the hurricane came and went, Shadow and I had a bad night that Sunday. With no power at our home or at the Animal Hospital, I held off from my 4:00am call until later that afternoon. Finally, I connected with our vet who also had no power.

It was time.

Logan and I laid on the floor with Shadow and with my arms around him, my whispers in his ear about love and gratitude for our time with him, and with Logan in Shadow's vision, he is gone...but never to be forgotten.

"Me and my Shadow
Strolling down the avenue
Oh, me and my Shadow..."

Reiki and Shadow

Out of the blue this past Sunday, our soon-to-be 11 yr old dog Shadow had a seizure as he began to eat dinner. Logan and I comforted him (didn't realize that we should stand back until it passed) and then sat with him throughout the night. After observation at the vet over the next day and a half, I took him home to be with us. As the days passed, he seemed to get stronger. Strong enough that the idea of putting him down was removed and the need to treat him with Reiki grew.

Whenever I would do Reiki on somebody, be it upstairs or downstairs out of Shadow's vision, he would whine and shift in place when he saw me. Anytime I would reach out to touch him directly, he would pull away. Since Reiki can only exist with a willing recipient, I would not pursue him. I would from a distance of about 3-4 feet and reach out to him which was agreeable to him.

Now as soon as he went down with his seizure, I began to Reiki him to just bring him comfort. Logan and Dad looked on at me - slightly amused (dad) and slightly annoyed (Logan) as I did it. The vibration was there and a strong heat by his stomach. Sure enough, he has a mass in his stomach as the $160 X-Rays showed the next day.

Once he returned home, each night I sat with him and took a few minutes to reach out to him. Direct contact made him uncomfortable, but scanning my hands over him relaxed him greatly. The purpose of Reiki (God's Energy / Universal Energy) is to reduce stress and let the energies within flow. I never felt more connected to Reiki until now.

As a newer practitioner, I understand that until you experience it for yourself, it sounds a bit 'out there.' Good news, enough of my friends and colleagues have had good experiences that I am able to quietly take in the wonder of Reiki.

Looking forward to visiting my #1 recipient Rudi. It's been a few months, and I cannot wait for his critiquing. The nicest thing I was told, and by him, was that he couldn't describe the feeling. It was just like being in a cloud of my love wrapping around him from head to toe. What could be nicer than such a feeling? So I end with "Got Reiki?"

Post Script: It is nearly one month later. Reiki became a very comforting part of Shadow's hospice care. He'd lay at the foot of the bed panting each night. (This panting was a result of the anemia's effect to his oxygen levle.) I would rest above him on the bed and direct the Reiki over his body. Within minutes, the panting would subside, and he would go into a very relaxed state.

Busy, Busy, Busy!

We're in the heart and heat of summer and so much has been going on. Time to bullet point for catch-up purposes.

*Logan did very well on his regents exams (he took two 9th grade exams as an 8th grader) and is moving on to High School come September.

*We already expect Logan & swim pals, Jimmy and Kenny, to make HS Varsity swim team as they already have qualifying times beat.

*Logan's 8-month relationship with Hannah ended. After a month of quiet time, he is beginning to date swim teammate Samantha. I understand Hannah also seeing new boy. Ahhh! Young love. They make it see so effortless.

*Reiki has become part of my life in many areas from treating others as well as myself on a daily basis.

*Still fighting the battle of the bulge. Hoping band adjustment will jump-start me as my lovely body fights me to let nothing go.

*Work has been more challenging then ever. We were hit with some terrible losses to our team by reassignments. Nobody saw this coming. I continue to hold my position and am now back under ML still as contingent worker with employee status dangling in front of me.

*Logan & Bill dealing with some issues coming to the surface. Some repair work needed. At a loss on how to fix this and understand that it may not be mine to fix. Frustrating all around.

*Summer swimming has begun which includes 6am practices for Long Course (Olympic sized laps) and 8:30am for summer team. Logan is exhausted but at an all time top physical shape. Just need to improve nutrition to support this active lifestyle. Thank God for refreshing fruit season!

*Home interior design projects have begun. "Project Musical Rooms" has begun. More to come as we begin painting room 1 of 3 this weekend.

*Summer vacay all set. Logan & Kevin traveling for week planned with family in Florida with an added visit from me on tail end. On top of that, I'm taking a day off each week plus one week on vacation at home. Time for some much needed down time.

And...life goes on!

Happy Kerry Day!

With much anticipation, last night, Kelly and I were excited to give Kerry her belated birthday gift and night out celebration.

We always go Dutch on dinner for all b-day dinners, but the b-day girl gets to pick restaurant, final decision maker on all dishes, as we love to share, and of course, gets presents!

Looks like we have an ongoing theme for our gifts which gives tribute to "The Five Senses." It's actually an easy concept, but since each of us have different tastes (literally) and pleasure hot spots, it's still very individualized. I love it!

Kerry's bounty this year was:

Sight: a Louise Hay book (can't wait to borrow it)
Hearing: Celtic meditations and other Emerald Isle CDs
Smell: lavender soap with lavender husks mixed in
Taste: yummy Godiva and candy coated sunflower seeds (bright colors...for a bright new year)
Touch: a gift certificate (leaving the ego out of it, I promise!) for a full Reiki treatment by my gaining-so-much-confidence hands

And in case, we missed the mark on one of the senses, a gift card to Sephora. Yes, even taste can be enjoyed at this makeup haven if you get flavored lip balm. I'm still trying to figure out where "hearing" fits in, maybe the spritz sound of a favorite perfume.

Moving on to the celebration part of this night...which began with a very delayed seating. I wasn't to happy as we knew our table was given away BUT, as always, it worked out even better for us. We were seated in our favorite corner by wine rack. Great food, tasty pomegranate martini for me, and full tummies as we waddled to our cars.

Our final gift was escorting Kerry safely to her car to save her from the Gilgo Beach serial killer(s?) as she had parked in the back lot and had secluded alleyway to walk through And with that final gift of extending her life, we left her with love in our hearts, smiles on our faces, and anticipation for our next K3 night.

Happy New Year, our dear friend!

Memorial Day Approaches

What an exciting weekend I have planned. It seems like it's been forever and a day since I remember a weekend like this. We have n-o-t-h-i-n-g on our lists of tasks, projects, or 'contributions' calling out for our immediate attention. Nor are there any swim meets, doctor or hair appointments, or any work-at-home projects planned.

I should have known it would be a great weekend when Kerry's K3 birthday dinner was set for Friday at our beloved Tula's Kitchen. Remember how it used to be Cafe Symposio? Times have changed.

Unexpectedly, Logan is with me this year as this was Bill's weekend. Another fun fact...I love lazy time with him. I'm sure we'll visit our Gamestop buddies more than once but Xbox is limited to the mornings before I wake up. Yes, I get to sleep late too! Even thinking of Saturday evening or late morning mass on Sunday. Sleep is good!

I'm thinking that Dave's got to get the BBQ ready for a nice family dinner...or the beginning of many dinners. Yep, summer is right around the corner. I'm getting all tingly inside. Can you feel it?!

I'm off to work now and will officially get my vibe start pumping for the weekend as Fleet Week starts right outside the office down the Hudson River. God bless our service men & women! And God bless America...on this special Memorial Day and always.

Disclaimer: This post was a "family update" message. Not intended to 'wow' any potential publishers as a sample of my writing. In other words, it was nothing. LIke Seinfeld's "nothing." This post was based on nothing.

Summer Can Now Begin

Mom & Rudi flew home this morning after their annual 2-week spring visit. As my days are so full, time always too short BUT the perfect balance for all-even Logan this time.

Within this time, there were swim meets, visits to Manhattan, weekend in CT, a little belly dancing, bike riding, evening Reiki sessions, and my favorite...mom's planting of the spring flowers.

NOW summer can begin!

The Ultimate Goddess

I am blessed.

Last night, I was able to share something with my mom that most mothers would eagerly avoid. My mom (a.k.a. Logan's Joanie) joined me for a Goddess session while visiting.

While driving the 30 minute ride to the studio, I prepared her for the night. It was everything that I explained. It was just like I first blogged in March. And yet, she had no idea as to what she was in for.

The night's class was larger than usual and included another mother daughter plus a soulmate mother/daughter duo. It was a mother/daughter overload. How special for us!

In a share-circle, we introduced ourselves and charged up the energy of the room with women-power. Moved on to nearly an hour of dancing and smiles.A bit of Reiki by Jessamina heating up mom's feet once again (see previous post) and ending with a guided meditation re-introducing ourselves to the Amazon Woman within us and the Lady-Lover hidden away under every day matters. My Goddess-Mother took it all in as the good sport she always is.

During the ride home, inspired by the evening, I was able to explain further what the sessions represent to me and the affect they have on me. I learned that previous posts missed their target with mom. NOW, after experiencing it and talking it through...mom really gets it.

I am a strong, interesting, unique woman, because my mom allows me to be me. She always has. I tear up to know that I could have lost the last years with her and had missed a chance to say to her "thank you for being you-my forever Goddess."

NOTE: Return to blog post of March 30, 2010. It deserves a second look through.

Shortest Post Yet...

I swallowed my dog's medicine this morning. I don't know what else I can add other than the cat is looking mighty yummy to me.

Reiki II

This weekend, I was very fortunate to have a private lesson with my Reiki Master who spent the day working with me on what I've learned, gave me further training, and gave me two more attunements bringing my level of Reiki up to about 90%. What a special experience it was!

At the end of the training, I did a Reiki session on him and was most rewarded with a smile and his astonishment as to how "hot" my hands were. He had planned to critique me after the session, but finally gave up letting himself go. The purpose of Reiki is simple but effective with the goal of relaxing and reducing stress. It was obvious from his hanging limbs that I accomplished that. He then did a session on me which was quite relaxing and a great lesson on his style.

That evening, I felt ready to tackle my mom. Always a supportive and non-judgmental person (always!!!), I was anxious for her to feel the energy and further understand my interest. We are a very practical family and for me to stray from mainstream activities could be a challenge or even concern. I’m happy to say that the results were better than I anticipated.

At the beginning of the session, I asked mom if anything was bothering her either physically or emotionally. Nothing came to mind as she said that all was fine by her. It was only when I finished that she reminded me that she suffered with ‘cold & numb’ feet which are a result form the chemo eight years prior. Let me tell you, when she said that, my face broke out into a big grin. That explained why my hands were drawn to her ankles. Normally, the joints seem to direct the Reiki. So when I felt the sensations over the ankles that prompt me to stay there, it became clear - her feet were drawing in the energy. Later that evening, I did what I call "patch work" on her feet. I simply sat on the couch with her feet in my lap and did, as Logan says, my Whomp Whomp BPow.It seems that mom snuck a peak and was ver surprised as what she thought was my hands we pushing on the soles of her feet, my hands were nowhere near them. They were above the tops of her feet and not touching any part of them. NOW, she is beginning to understand the energy of Reiki.

Now that I am a Reiki II practitioner, I will be included with a group of volunteers at a well known hospital that is embracing the healing power of Reiki. Life just seems to get better and better for me.

Reiki

After giving my aching fingers a rest from typing, I am ready to fill you in on where I stopped off along the way down my spiritual path. The first thing that comes to mind is that I finally understand that my mid life awakening is turning into self-discoveries that I am loving.

It began with self-acceptance in late 2010. That brought physical activities into my life with the discovery of finding something I fully enjoy - the Goddess Sessions with women bonding, dancing, mini Reiki touch and meditating.

My latest V8 moment happened after beginning training in Reiki - energy healing. I took the first all-day session with another woman who was an already certified practitioner looking to refresh her skills. The Reiki Master spent the day teaching us all about the history, the concepts, the ethics, and hands-on training. Out of respect of this code of ethics, I am leaving out the major part which include "attunements" and a few other key facts to becoming a Reiki practitioner.

Since then, I have been practicing on anybody and everybody including myself and even the dog.

The easiest way to define my role with Reiki is that I am a channel/guide to your life energy. I do not heal; I help you to relax and help you use your energy to heal yourself mentally, physically, and spiritually through a Reiki treatment. Picture lying on a table, eyes closed, relaxing music, and sensations of hot, cold, or tingling throughout areas of your body...and with no physical contact being made by me.

A story I'd like to share, involves my 100 lb dog Shadow with two bad hind legs. After healing over the past three years from torn ACLs in both legs, Shadow still forgets he's a bit broken. So on Saturday, this 10 year old pup ran after a squirrel. Standing by the door and watching him sprint, I heard his sharp yelps. He immediately sat down. Knowing his adrenaline was high & pain hadn't set, I encouraged him to hobble into house while he still could. Within three feet from kitchen door, he plopped down. I immediately did Reiki on his leg. He allowed me to do so. In this case, I also put my hands on him for a deeper concentrated affect. Within 5 minutes, the intense heat we both felt around his hind leg subsided. He limped (no hobbling!) to his water dish. Throughout the day, I repeated these actions. Once or twice he pulled away, and I understood he had enough. By the next day, he was walking fine.

I will complete the basic training in a few weeks. If I am already feeling the wonders and enlightenment of these first lessons I can't imagine what is in store for me. My future just gets brighter and brighter.

Happy Anniversary to Me

Can you believe that it has been three years since my metamorphosis into my Goddess state began? Yes, it was April 14, 2008 when I had my lapband put in.

Results to date -97 lbs.
Yesterday, actual anniversary, was -96. C'mon Lucky -100!

The greatest victory since then is that my confidence in this "tool" never wavered and no regret to bring me down. How could it? Maintaining alone is a victory. And add the fact that it has only been in the last few months that I finally kicked up my activity level. My latest victory is that I am turning towards healthier nutritional intake, as well as, soul resuscitation of meditation. You could call it a body, spirit, and mind overhaul.

It seems that Shrek had it right. Life is like an onion. Sometimes it stinks, sometimes it can make you cry, but as you peel away each layer, you eventually get to the sweet center.

My layers are many - controlling over indulging, listening to my body's messages as to what is good and not (bread-like foods...definitely no-nos), starting to really move, and still some very personal thin layers that were and still are almost invisible to me.

Now, I sit here on the train, and enjoy my victories. I never thought my butterfly experience, or maybe my caterpillar time, would result in my becoming a Goddess of epic proportions.

I end this post grateful for what I have learned from my non-ideal body, happy to enjoy this ever-changing shape, and looking forward to a more beautiful me. NOT because of the weight loss, but because of all the lessons that come along with my butterfly living.

~Goddess Karena
[poetic license and added an 'a' for my middle name...sounds more exotic, don't you think?]

Modern Day Renaissance Woman

Picture Bob the Builder and I Dream of Jeannie's love child and you might just see my face. I know, what did she do now?!?

I went from an evening of being a divine woman which included sensual movement, soul touching meditation, and celebrating me to the next night filled with sawdust, splinters, and maybe the onset of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. All this to better understand me, who I am, and where I'm going.

Last night, I attended a clinic at Lowe's Hardware out East in preparation for my role as a volunteer with Habitat for Humanity's "Women's Build." We learned about worksite safety (very, very dangerous so it seems) and how to do framework.

When it was time for somebody to give the hammer a whirl, I was the first one up. My dad always taught me that it's better to get it over with then to sit with nervous anticipation. After banging a nail from all different angles, I got it in after 25 taps. Hmmm! Maybe Water Girl might be a better role for me. Nahhh!

As the night concluded a local news cameraman asked to interview me ]nd two other ladies. That was neat, but I only know one friend (hi Lisa) who has Verizon FIOS to tell me what was shown.

In the end, as I stated on camera, I was very excited to join this group of volunteers as the idea of women building a home and being a role model to my 13 year old son...what can be more empowering?

So get ready to open up your wallets friends, I'm looking for sponsors. We'll be talking soon.

NEXT WEEK on The New Adventures of Karen will be a clinic recap on roofing & siding. Stay tuned.

A.D.D. & Me

I grew up in a world where kids were either "full of energy" or "not motivated", Clean Freaks or Slops, kids who had "ants in their pants" or were "slow as molasses. Nowadays, those same children would be labeled with ADD, ADHD, OCD, ODD, SID, etc, etc, etc.

As a mother of an active boy, I kept one eye on him and the other on lots of parenting books and articles. In the end, it was ME! who in recent years was diagnosed with ADD.

The good news is over the years, unbeknownst to me, I created the ideal job that required juggling & multitasking where ADD is a great fits. It almost mimics the way I view a hyper-can't-sit-still kid or a never-looks-up-from-a-book kids. The first would make an awesome Emergency Room doctor; the second would be a great heart surgeon that requires hours of concentration.

Each and everyone of us has something that could be tweaked. Most important is to turn what some may label as a weakness into a strength. So the next time you see a somebody with a different way about them, try to see the flip side and celebrate the differences between all of us.

Post Script: for more insight of Me & ADD, check out the March 19 post when I was adjusting my prescription. Happy to say, my mild meds can eliminate the runaway train that sometimes exists and replace with a soothing choo choo train.

Toot-Toot! All aboard! Karen is here and perfect just the way she is.

What's In A Label?

As I began taking the weekly Yoga-Pilates-and-Belly-Dance session out East, I had a hard time using the word Goddess which is what the sessions are really called – Goddess Sessions. I implied it with my post “My Experience as a Goddess”, but you may note I glazed over it.

I was always comfortable being a strong woman, an outspoken woman, a woman-who-thinks-outside-of-the-box, an emotional woman, funny woman, flirty woman, juicy woman, smart woman, and even a “good woman” which still makes me think I should be looking up at a big, manly farmer with straw sticking out of his mouth. The description of Goddess never was a word that I could use to describe me.

This has changed as I found a definition that I’m comfortable with. In fact, this is now a term that I think every woman should embrace. Give me some feedback if you find anything contradictory or blasphemous if you were to hear me refer to myself as a Goddess. Knowing me and connecting the similarities of this definition add up to only one thing…I am a Goddess.

Defining a Goddess…

*A woman that is in the process of learning to know, accept and love herself on all levels: mind, body, and spirit.

*A woman who, because she focused on a personal growth and self-awareness, experiences a life increasingly filled with peace, joy, passion, and fun.

*A woman that understands that she has an unlimited capacity to make her life anything she wants.

*A woman who is inspired to give to those around her out of her sense of gratitude and abundance.

Just wait until I do my Goddess portrait…there will be no doubt...Flora's got nothing on me!

Law of Attraction in Action...Take Two

PREREQUISITE READING: Today’s Previous Post

Now that you understand what I have latched on to, like a dog with a bone I might add, wait until you hear how my life has changed. I get what I want - what I truly want. It may come across very childlike or spoiled, but I prefer to think it is an acquired skill to ‘get what you want’ at no expense to anybody else.

Last week at Hyacinth (above photo), I walked around the shop and saw that some of the furniture pieces that displayed the many wares had SOLD signs attached to them. The owner, Tina, has some great little breakfronts, credenzas, tables, stools, etc. I noticed a big round mirror had a SOLD sign on it. I looked down and saw an old style dark wood three-drawer table/cabinet. There was an identical one only a foot or so away. It was only when I stepped back that I realized the mirror was part of a six-drawer vanity table. I loved it and was sorry to see a piece like that go. Now if you are a true Butterfly Living follower, you’ll remember that I am in the market for a vanity.

After weeks of staking out this shop, Tina, a Feng Shui expert, and I have had many talks about positive energy, Law of Attraction (as I refer to myself and Logan as students of the Law of Attraction.) I said to her that if the woman who bought this changes her mind, I’d like to be #2 on the list. She replied, "Sure, but the woman was very interested." I looked at her and said, “She’ll change her mind, and then it’s mine.”

Yesterday, when I popped in, I started to look at other pieces and noticed the SOLD sign was missing. I looked at her and said, “She’s not taking it, is she?” She said, “No, and you said that would happen.” So for $80…I got me a new (to me) vintage vanity. This was my greatest LoA act so far. I asked, believed, and received just what I wanted. (Psst! Isn't it nice?)

One more little piece of proof that I’d like to share. Getting fit, losing weight, exercising…that can benefit with LoA too. Here I learned that each time we attempt to lose weight, change our eating habits, or increase our activity after years of ups and downs, there are very deep rooted doubts that the Universe/God/Angels catch on to and thereby, cancel out a positive thought. So, instead of saying, “I’m going to lose weight”, as that’s been said often before, you say “I’m in the PROCESS of losing weight.” That is believable even to that nagging voice inside your head. Plus, by eliminating the hows & whats of the plan, just visualize your ideal weight, size, figure, etc. I tried that by simply stating, “I am a Size10 and weigh 130 lbs.” Guess what?!? I now find myself with a bottle of water in my hand, asking for a Skinny Latte at Starbucks, and passing on fresh baklava sitting 3ft from my desk. You ask me “Why?”Because that’s what a size 10 does. I unconsciously hypnotized myself with that one statement. Let's add the WalkWalkJog and some belly-dancing/yoga/pilates and you have yourself a Size 10 in the making.

Okay, ye non-believers, let’s see where I am in six months. Do you except that challenge? When you see a trimmer, richer, more peaceful Karen…then you will agree. In fact, I’ll repost this entire post and give you an update on all areas in a nutshell. So, come back online on September 27th and get ready to start yelling,

I believe! I believe! I believe!

Because lucky me, I already do.

Law of Attraction in A-C-T-I-O-N

Since reading a series of Law of Attraction (LoA) books by different authors, I am amazed that I have not read any inconsistencies between the different writers. All of them share the obvious foundation as being Ask, Believe, and Receive. I resisted reading The Secret for a bit, simply because the sample on my Kindle did nothing more than give similar quotes from different people through the years. It was only when I finally hit BUY on my electronic reader that I fully understood, THAT was the book. Again and again throughout hundreds and thousands of years, were quotes sharing the same message, in biblical terms, “Ask and ye shall receive.”

Knowing my Faith, as with many, can have moments of doubt, which I accept as a human trait and as well as a sign of intelligence, I become concerned that I might read something that shakes it. The opposite has happened. Understanding my Faith means that I have to believe in the unseen and know that it is so in my heart. With gratitude, my core belief has been renewed. And now, I will share how that has happened.

Years ago, Kerry, had touched on her spiritual side and explored it similar to me. Through magazines, books, little shops, understanding relics and symbols of different cultures and religions, both of us were searching for an answer at similar stages in our lives. I’m not saying “what is the answer to life?” answer. I’ve always thought the words ‘life’ and ‘live’ are so closely connected that my answer for the reason of life which for me it to live each day in whatever form that brings goodness and contentment to you and those around you. That is the fiber to how I make decisions and move through and over hurdles.

It was after looking through a LoA book that Kerry gave me one holiday that I was given the exercises that I needed to follow to fully understand the magic in me. I began keeping a Today’s Proof Journal as well as an Abundance Journal. [More on that another day.]

I began with one or two things a day. Easy things that I always knew worked out for me such as getting a great parking spot or getting a perfect seat at the swim meets close to friends. Remember there would be hundreds of cars and people at the respective places and that was over a 1 in 300 shot of that happening.

Two big examples cemented my belief that Ask, Receive, Believe were indeed an actual power.

The first was driving down Northern State after talking with two men about how this parkway connected to Veteran’s Highway. Neither gentleman knew. I relied on my instinct which believed at some point they either crossed or became the same road. As I was driving, I said out loud, “I just wish I knew I was headed in the right direction”, when suddenly an overhead traffic board said TRAFFIC CONDITIONS GOOD TO 454 which I knew to be Veteran’s Highway. I looked up at the car’s ceiling and said, “Thank you.” I went on a bit and then said, “I wonder how much longer.” Again, a sign popped up on the side of the road 5 MILES TO 454 / 3 MILES TO 495. This time, with an even broader smile, I said, “Thank you.” It was when I was driving down 454 and did not recognize the street that I said out loud for a third time, “I’ll feel better when I see the airport signs.” You know where I’m headed now, don’t’ you? Of course, the first of many airport signs appeared with the airplane symbol pointing me in the right direction. The timing was unbelievable for each of the three prompts. Not ironic. Not a coincidence. It was LoA in action.

The second was what I believe to be even more uncanny, if that is at all possible. I had told my partner, Jen, at work that I need matches for incense that I had at home. Being a non-smoker, I never thought to ask a shop keeper for some. Within five minutes, we were walking to the local Church downtown to attend a quick mass and receive ashes for Ash Wednesday. As we walked out our revolving doors, on the middle of the big cement promenade was a brand new, never been opened, book of matches. She looked at me and said, “You are kidding me?!?” I admit that I smirked at her as I bent down to get this gift. It was only later when I shared the story with Logan that he pointed out the underside said THANK YOU on it. A side note, when we walked in the crowded, tiny chapel five minutes late, there were no seats. I hadn't expected one, but I did expect I'd be offered a seat. Sure enough, as I stood behind a gentleman, when it was time to sit, he turned to me and offered me his chair. I smiled and shook my head 'no.' Who needed a seat - not me. I just needed to know it was there if I needed it.

And that is when my belief took flight. Now…get ready for the next post. (I can only do so many words on a blog entry.) TO BE CONTINUED…

Post Script: "It Is Time" Blog Post

The very day that I said I would let the writing take over and time would tell how my words got out there, my words got out there. Jessimina shared my blog via her blog and this might just have opened up the door to be a "read (past tense) author" to some.

It's a start.

It Is Time

For nearly three years, I have been visiting this cyber writer's table and touching on events, personal thoughts and views, and sometimes no idea where my keyboard tapping would take me. I think it's time to change it up a bit.

We often say that we have no time to get it all done. I'm thinking otherwise. Time is always there. We can't stop time from coming. It is a sure thing that minutes, seconds, nanoseconds are present throughout our entire lives. It might be from digital clocks that we think time stands still or is limited. (And I'm not talking about power outages that scream, I mean blink at us 12:00 12:00 12:00.) Sit back and look at the good old wind up clock where the second hand sweeps and is almost pushing minutes in our direction.

With that, I declare, yes, I said "declare"...it's time for me to start submitting articles to magazines and get my words out there. No longer will I wait for my cozy little writer's corner to be finished in my cellar. No wasting time on what will I write or what magazine shall I gear it towards. I am going to write and write and write until I feel that I have something that must be shared AND then, time will tell (had to throw that in!), how to find the perfect home to capture my words.

Now is the time, correction, now is MY time when I will stop gazing out this train window thinking about tomorrow, and start my writing project. Tick Tock...time to go!

My Favorite Store...Soon No More

(I made a rhyme!)

DISCLAIMER: Today is April 5th, as I read some past posts, I can see how my ADD can manifest in the strangest ways. This post, which is all over the place, is the proof that I need to embrace that ADD is not an "excuse" when life seems to run amok...it is real and it is me. Fast forward to the April 5 post and see what ADD means to my life. And now, enjoy the post below sponsored by "When-Meds-to-Low."

Recently, I discovered a neat store called Hyacinth. It has the most beautiful pieces that you don't even know you need until you see it. For weeks, I knew it would be closing in April. With that piece of info, I go there now once a week and treat myself to things. Today's treat was a beautiful perfume bottle for my vanity. (To those of you who know me, know that I don't have a vanity...yet.) Last week, I broke down and bought a beautiful print with a great reminder about "Life" and what we need to remember for my office downstairs. Which brings me to -

My office downstairs is taking a nice turn. I recently bought a used hollow closet door from Habitat for Humanity's Restore Store out on the island. Then on to IKEA where I bought these metal sort of "sawhorse" legs (x2) to balance the door, thereby, making an awesome (appropriate word for it) work station. The dark door goes perfect with my dark trim and the light buttercreme yellow walls. Loving how it's coming together. Dear friend Chris thought I should just buy a 6ft table for same purpose. I ask you, where is the charm in that?!? Thank you, Hyacinth, I will hang the print as I hammer the last nail when all is finished.

Another treat that I gave myself, was a framed print the size of a panoramic photo, with a saying that was written with me in mind. "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter, don't mind." These words of wisdom are from the famous author -- wait for it -- Dr. Seuss. A genius, don't you think?

Without seeming too self-indulgent, I also bought a beautiful "love ball" which hangs on my french window where the light spills into the room. Being a modern, single woman, I have to remember to love myself and spoil myself with pretty things. Boy, I make a good boyfriend for me. Just a little something missing in that area...but pretty things work for this girl.

So as I continue to take advantage of the 25% discounts (I did mention that, didn't I?), I am sad for the day when that relationship must end. Then I guess I'll just continue to search all the local Home Goods for the little pieces that are completing my office and the upcoming renovations that Logan and I are about to begin. A quick peek into that is that master bedroom becomes big family room, current den becomes Logan's room, and I move on over to Logan's room. It's musical chairs renovation style.

And a second peek into a future blog, I begin my adventure with Habitat for Humanity in May. Hoping the skills I bring and the ones I learn will add to the changes that we're making. Shoot, I may just tear don't the closet and put up some sheet rock myself. I keep telling Logan to ask his Tech (wood shop) teacher to teach him some renovation skills. Together, K&L Renovations could make some great changes. Just in case, I'll keep working some overtime for the building funds.

Hyacinth, sniff, you've been a splurge that I so needed. I've changed my blog logo to a recent present to one of your and now my treasures. You'll be missed!

PS - hooray, owner is starting a website from Texas. That might work. Maybe.

Moving Along...Finally

It has happened. I now exercise regularly. Yep, looks like I turned that corner. Now some of you couldn't understand the point of having a Personal Trainer and NOT exercising regularly. Well, I blame it on those darn neurons in that thick, pretty head of mine. Negative reinforcement...negative feelings...and pride in an ugly form.

I am happy to have added what I call Walkwalkjog to my daily routine. I wake up early -- yes, I hear your voice, Mom, loud and clear -- and walk 2 blocks & jog 1 for 30 min. I don't really like it. In fact, I dread the "jog line" that I see in my head as I cross the street after my second Walking Block. On the other hand, I do like the "walk line" that greets me after that single Jogging Block.

I asked Jen, who runs, "Why does my butt hurt?" She said that it's a good hurt. So I guess that's my butt's way of saying "you go, girl!"

Let me also add to this Moving Along post that I enjoyed my second week of my once-a-week Chakra Movement class. I felt a wee bit more flexible. What I did gain from last night's class is that one of the girl's that I find very motivating is slightly juicy and reminds me that real women have curves. Just watching her move her body and get lost in the music, helps me to refocus my image of what a real woman is. THAT is my block with all that I do. I realize that I never could visualize myself as a girl with curves...or maybe see myself as a woman. I guess it's time to let that girl leave my head and welcome that woman home with all her strengths and overcome any lingering weaknesses. After all, from age-old pinups like Bettie Page and Marilyn Monroe to the more recent current day beauties as in Emme and Kate Winslet - all "saftig" (German for Juice-y!) and all quite real. Doable. Reachable. Obtainable.

After all, I AM woman...aren't I?!?

Yep, I am.

My Experience as a Goddess

Remember how I shared this year (my Year of the Cougar) that my theme song is "I Am Woman?" Well, sit back and get ready to smirk & shake your head gently...

I went to a Goddess class last night. This is a group of 9 or 10 woman who meet once a week for a class on energizing the Chakras spots through dance movements and guided meditation with a little Reiki thrown in.

Picture this: gathering in a parlor area of a small shop specializing in honoring woman with perfumes, statues, beautiful jewelry, and books on inspiration & meditation. In the back is a light wooden floor with a wall to ceiling mirror on one side and a beautiful mural of Bottacelli's Venus on the back wall and tulle on the ceiling sparkling with white lights in this dimly lit room.

Now that you can visualize the surroundings, let me share the evening as I experienced it.

Soft music plays as we gather around and introduce ourselves and share a challenge and a success. Then with scarves lined with coins tied around out waists, we line up and follow Jessimina as she takes us through a 50 minute Chakras movement session. This sort of belly-dancing (there goes the smirk) and movement works the muscles and energizing the different Chakras spots.

The movements are all so graceful when demonstrated by Jess, but quite awkward for beginners. To motivate me even more was another first timer, a young blind lady with her guide dog. Any awkwardness that I felt, disappeared as gratitude for my body swelled and at the same time such respect for this...Goddess. Truly, how inspiring.

The next 20 minutes or more, as time seemed to stop, was spent on meditation. Some laid down on mats, as I sat listening to a CD of guided meditation walking you through all the Chakras spots. Jess then walked around and gave Reiki massage to all. My eyes remained closed and without a sound, I felt Jess' touch. It was not a physical touch, it was an almost warm, tingly sensation spreading through my upper back. (There goes the gentle shaking of the head.)

We ended with sitting up and trying to connect our thoughts to somebody special. An exercise is connecting to the world through their eyes.

As I know it sounds a bit out there, I have finally grasped what has come over me. I have always held fast to my Faith and will continue to do so. It's just that I am now adding spirituality to my Faith and honoring myself in the process. I am the happiest that I can remember. I am peaceful. And finally, I am excited as each day is here. No more looking to the tomorrows when everything will line up just right. Tomorrow is here for me. All is good in my world. Namaste!

Silver Championship - Day Two...

Today is Logan's second day at the Silver Championships. This meet is the end of the "short course" season for many swimmers. There are some that will move on to Jr Olympics and even the final stop the Zone.

Day one found Logan in three events with one resulting in a ribbon for his beloved breaststroke (100 - 4 laps.). Today finds him in one event: 200 Breast. And then in the afternoon, he's off to the CYO meet.

He will now begin to train for the "long course" which has 50 meter lanes - 16" longer then usual 50 ft (2 x 25" laps that include a flip turn.) Looking forward to seeing how this extended swimming will improve his sprints.

To help visualize the challenges of the long course, one of his buddies, had to be helped out of the pool after a 200 Fly. These 4 laps + extra 64" were quite a challenge. As a spectator, we cannot appreciate what a turn with a kick off the wall does for them. Not sure if the swimmers get it at first either...but they soon do.

Cheers to my Aquaman's past season & excited to see his growth as a swimmer for his next adventure.

March 9: Logan received a 5th Place Medal for his 100 Breast.

Law of Attraction

Several months ago, at the suggestion of a very successful friend, I read Louise Hay's book "Heal Your Life." This 1970s book touched my soul as her beliefs and words clarified my beliefs. From there, I read Arielle Ford's "Manifestly Your Soulmate" with the Law of Attraction.

Both books shared something that was easily digestable to me. Both believed that we need to love ourselves and accept that we are lovable as we are now. In the present body shape, the present financial condition, and whatever stage our current life path was on.

Now, I was fortunate to have been brought up by a mom who did not believe in guilt or regret. In the same token, brought up by a father who gave me my faith which is the basis of forgiving and caring about others. So, I got what Louise and Arielle was saying.

This has lead me to understand that believing I deserve goodness and that I am indeed worthy, has led to my many good moments.

Me and mom are blessed with finding parking spots up front in crowded parking spots. This example of a good moment dictates my life.

Now, I'm not saying my life was all rosy. However, I do believe in the most parts...it was and is.

The Law of Attraction has been proven to exist. It is simply asking, believing, and receiving. Seems simple, but our internal voices squash an encouraging outcome because we cancel out what we desire. I turn to my higher power (God) and refer to my Universe (still God) and seem to have learned how to quiet that negative voice.

This all happened when I met somebody unexpectedly for a brief 30 minutes who I connected with and left feeling great. It was only when it was revealed that he was younger then me (by Logan - thanks, son!) that I said to myself, "why would he want me? I'm old. He could find younger AND prettier, thinner. Within 5 minutes or so, I shouted inside "No! Out!" as I had stored subconsciously this gem from Louise. I realized several things. #1 - if there was a connection, he already met me, saw me, knows what I look like and recognized I was older. #2 - if he chose me (and I him as I'm part of the process too), I had to not every make an issue of "me" as there will always be younger and prettier girls throughout time. It was a release of my personal demon and block.

Now, I live each day knowing that I am worthy as I am. I've always said that...but only now do I believe. So I ask, CAN now believe, and am ready to receive. More LoA coming your way as there is too much to share on this one post. So go forward and ask, believe, and joyfully receive. I am.

Turning a Corner

Growing up, I always leaned towards, what I called it then, a Positive Energy. I'd joke with friends as I waved my hands across my body, like fanning smoke, and would say, "You're messing with my Chi."What does a 13 year old know about Chi? I'd give out Hug Therapy when friends were down or whip out bubbles at work and declare a Bubble Break. And when I heard a Tsk! or heavy sigh, I'd squirm a bit and try to ignore what it threw in my direction. I never was taught about auras. Though the idea of coloring people's energies did not seem far-fetched to my younger self.

Now, fast forward to the present time, and my belief system is finally becoming clear. In the past few months, as you might have gleamed from my recent posts, I seemed to have finally understanding my personal beliefs better.

For me, it all comes down to living and loving wherever and at whatever stage of life we are in. The tougher moments allow us to recognize the better moments. The better moments allow us to endure and get through the tougher moments. And if we will allow ourselves to help others AND ask for help when no volunteers present...then it is all good.

Recently, I asked Tina to bring Logan to swimming one morning during the school break when I had to work. I realized her three kids would be sleeping and that gave her a chance to relax in her beloved pajamas (Tina LOVES her rare pajama-time.) I will say knowing there might be a few of them that week for her, helped me to ask this favor. And...hardly doubting her answer...she said "yes." It felt good, and I know when was happy to help me.

Actually, it was Tina who recently told me I don't have to do it all alone. At that time, she had called Kelly to bring me for a procedure a few months ago when she was unable. I told her to not be silly as Kelly lived three towns away and a cab would cost only $5 or $$6. She (they) would not hear of it.

So now I continue to grow to appreciate that we all need to do things, feel needed, and appreciate being able to help as well as to ask and accept help.

Now, I began this post with positive energy, because of where my posts are headed. I seem to be touching on this energy as the core of who I am and want to continue to be. And with that, I end this post and begin another on the Law of Attraction.

Winter Recess

Looking forward to Logan's school break next week. Usually, we had to Florida for annual family visit. Money and the unpredictably weather grounded us home. I need to sneak in one day to work (it's an addiction and maybe some consider an obsession) but then its just great Karen-Catch-Up time.

Looking forward to a weekend of swim meets. They are super early each day, but not as unGodly as ice hockey. The pools are usually a good 30-50 min away. Need to arrive 1 hour 15 min early. Bleacher seats are tight and uncomfortable. You're there maybe four hours. People walk by and block your vision. All this to hopefully see your child in the water for the least of time. Translation: 3 races = 5 min or less in pool...worth every minute!

Also excited for some great friend-time. As Logan hangs in his social circle more and more, there is more "me" time. Good thing that I like me. I have some gifts cards burning holes in my pocket, renovated first-class library to hole up in, and some home projects hanging over me. Even more fun is time planned to be with friends. We have a Winter Cheer, dinners out, and some quiet cocktail moments planned.

Ahhh-Winter Recess...what's not to love!

90 and Loving It!

With limited effort, I did it...3 months later...down those last 2 lbs bringing me to a total loss of 90 lbs. As I said, this is - for me - a slow process but fitting into my life just fine. At the 60 lb mark, last May, I said "one day, it'll all come together." Well, it's February, and still waiting for that day. Could it be February 16, 2011? Hmmm! Maybe.

It really was neat as I stepped on and off scale 3x to make sure it wasn't just the way I leaned or wiggled. Truth be told, if it was a lean or a wiggle...I want to remember which way to lean or direction to wiggle next time.

My personal trainer keeps coming every other week. I'm not committed to the dark side yet (yes, exercise is the 'dark' side to me.) Though, I am making tweaks and am more aware of my activities and breathing.

Good news. This may or may not be a shocker...I AM getting the hang of meditating. (The opposite of the dark side.) That being the Karen Meditation Method. I try a few times a week to sit quietly, listen to Gregorian chants, light some Jasmine incense...and clear my mind. For somebody with so much running through my head, I seemed to have a much easier time then you would think emptying my mind. Loving it!

So I end this post, with a saying my sister shared with me...

"Onward and downward!"

Happy Birthday to My Dad

As this has recently been a bit of a birthday blog (sorry Kel-missed you on the 7th, but I'll circle back after our next K3 night when we'll celebrate our birthdays), I had to send out a cyber message to my dad. Since he is cyberly-challenged, I'll print this out for him. Here goes...

To My Dad,

Wishing you a blessed day and wonderful new year. May it be filled with easy times, peace, & good health. I could throw some love in there too, but I can't imagine loving you more. God bless you!

Always!
Karen
XXXX

I Am Woman

I am listening to my iPod to my theme song for my new year as I write this on the train. Each year, I try to find a song that seems to have been written for me-at least for that time of my life. At one time, it was Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive." Another year, it was "Take This Job & Shove It." (Disclaimer: that was in 1993.) As you might have guessed from this blog entry's title, it is Helen Reddy's "I Am Woman."

To my international friends & family or you young ones (song from 1972), here is a little piece from it:

"I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend

'Cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can do anything

(Chorus)
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman"

I actually throw my hands in the air as I dance through the house, blasting it on the stereo, singing out loud each morning. (Logan has not yet witnessed this new ritual.)

So, now I ask you to find yourself a theme song. Make sure it inspires you and reply to this blog by commenting on your song. Share who it's by & why it works for you. I'd like to pull it up & listen to it-a different way to connect with you.

And so...I sign off reminding you...I am woman!

The Year of the...

Maybe this is becoming a "birthday blog" as I post yet again on a loved one's birthday...MINE!

Anybody who is close to me knows I looooove my birthday. The only birthday that I love more is Logan's. Since today is truly the one & only day that is about me, here goes:

For the past few years, I have slowly been fine-tuning the adult I want to grow up to be. (I think in another 25 years or so, I'll have figured it out.) From 2004-2008, I concentrated on balancing work with my new role as a single parent. Then 2008-2010, I concentrated more on breaking some diet habits & slowly embracing a healthier lifestyle. Finally, in 2010, I concentrated on career & finances. Well, it's time. This new year of 2011, may be bringing me full circle to the point of - wait for it - becoming physically fit.

The final piece of the puzzle. I may have found it. The puzzle being "Karen The Whole Person."

As I touched on some soul searching that I did in my last post, it has really effected me. I find that my inner voice occasionally still whispers some negative prompts but another voiceis is singing out loud (inside my head) only positive affirmations.

Today, I will begin with driving Logan to school. I love the talks we have which are fewer then they were. I'm no longer the center of his life. Hard lesson for a parent...but very normal. Then on to enjoying a walk followed by working for only a half day at home. Also some pampering with Kelly & Tina. The evening begins with dinner with Logan & Hannah after swim practice at our favorite wings place. And finally, end up at dad's for cake. I love my birthday!

So...wish me luck as I begin the year of the fox...or - if I'm lucky - year of the cougar! Roar!

and So It Begins Again

As a new year begins for a special man in my life, I thought it time to once again continue the ever-stop-and-start-again blogging of life in my butterfly world. Ironically, as I've shared in the past, butterflies live a short time but experience many stages of life. I too have experienced many changes since April 2008 when I first began this blog.

As another birthday approaches and secures my classification as middle-aged...mind you a very young one as I plan to live to 100+...I am experiencing a time of enlightenment.

I met somebody who made me (unbeknowst to him) rethink how I perceive myself. Just from a couple extremely comfortable conversations, I went from hearing old teenage-girl doubts to the current I-own-my-world beliefs. Within in 10 minute internal battle between angel on one shoulder and demon on other. My angel won. Yes, the devil seems to have velcro feet where I keep flicking him away and he pops right back up. But now, the angel holds on tight to my ear and keeps reminding me as Louise Hayes said "you are the absolute power in your world."

Thus, a new Karen has emerged. Allow me to introduce Hippy Karen. And I like her. From my law-o-attraction beliefs to my liberal and empathetic ways, I like this me. More on that too come; I promise, Rudi.

Now for a quick recap since the tornadoes of September.
-Logan actively swimming and was on three teams only last month. The school's JV team just ended their season. He's a little over 1+ seconds from making Jr Olympics for his 100-Breast. That is his next goal. One more meet will allow him this shot. He has 3 weeks to prepare.
-My contract at work is up in less than 3 weeks. I've been fortunate enough to have caught the eye of senior management and hope this influences my chance as full employee status. If not, I have a pretty neat alternative that is a little less secure but interesting change. (Have to keep it out there for the Universe to reflect...a whisper from Hippy Karen.)
-Weight loss at a stand still...still 2 lbs away from 90 lbs. Been near 3 months at this plateau. I have to conquer that internal voice that says "in due time." Maybe a devil within that I'm just used to having as a comforting friend. "Be gone ye devil!" shouts all the Karens.
-I have turned to a personal trainer who has traveled my path with lapband, rediscovery, and similar family background, plus shared beliefs. Welcome to my life, Dorothy. Together we will conquer the devil inside.
-Lastly, all is well. Life seems to be improving in all areas from cozy home, Logan's biggest fan. Still loving my job, seeing an end to debt...and starting to plan my future. Digging into my dreams and discovering who I am and what I'm meant to be.

Life is good.

"Dear Rudi,
Thank you for completing my mother and our family. You've brought a new facet to our lives and after 20+ years...I can't imagine life without you as part of us all. Happy Birthday My Stepfather!
Love & Hugs,
Karen"