Time

Time has stopped for me. I don't mean in the literal sense. I just can't look too far ahead anymore. A month ago, I had no doubt how great life was and was looking forward to the unexpected. As I now deal with my new life and the many changes that I'll experience without Dad in my corner, I don't want to look to far ahead. I really just live for today.

I try not to let my thoughts go to a negative place. But...I rack my brains trying to understand what I didn't see. I believe my heart knew, but logic wouldn't accept that Dad wasn't going to bounce back.

I look at the calendar, pics and videos over the past months, past doctor visits on statements coming in the mail, and things Dad had said over and over again. The analyst in me is trying to put together a time line for the missing pieces to help me understand what happened. I will never fully know, but some pieces have clarified the picture a bit and brought some comfort.

Yestetday, Logan and I saw Justin Timberlake's new movie "In Time." This is where minutes replace money as the main commodity for living. A cup of coffee cost four minutes. Throughout the film, I wondered how much time I would have given to my dad, would give to Logan...and others I loved. I even thought about banking minutes through overtime for desperate people at the end of their time.

The one thing I took away is that we can't live forever. According to the movie, Dad would have celebrated his 25th birthday (you stop aging at 25) 50x...and THAT he might have lived as each day for the 49 years were lived out to the last second.

So, I go on a bit slower, a bit more cautious, and grateful for all that I have at this moment. It can be hard for me at times, but no doubt what Dad would want. Today, I visit 92-year-old Olivia in rehab and will give her some of my minutes. Olivia is "In Time." She does live for each day...money no longer matters.

Who will your share your minutes with?