"What's in a Name?"

“...that which we call a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet." You have to give it to Shakespeare – deep and interesting statement.

Some people’s names were already chosen maybe 10 or 20 years before they were born. In this case, usually this name had followed a woman through the early years as she imagines what her future family will be like. She can’t name her husband…but her kids, that’s another story. Many have names that had been rolled over tongues, spoken out loud, analyzed every which way, or simply inherited through the family lineage within the nine months prior to birth. And then the remaining names were decided after being held, viewed, sniffed, touched, and covered with kisses by very proud and excited new-born-parents.

We have no input. We are given a name and then must either live up to it, shake the image of it, or just go with it.

My experience as a parent was the second example. It was during pregnancy that my son's name was decided. It was the rolling off the tongue, receiving the approval of a very dear but critiquing friend, and visualizing what others would think of when saying the name. That name being Logan. My image was of a handsome boy that the girls would swoon over with breathy voices as they say “Logan.” And the other image was of boys saying “It’s Logan – get him!” as they chase him. (My image was always of a Casanova loved by some and envied by others.) When I later learned of Logan-the-Lifeguard from Baywatch and Logan-the-Comic-Book-Hero a.k.a. Wolverine that I realized it fit my child. My swimmer and formerly long-haired rough-and-tumble boy is a Logan. As he now begins his 12th year of school, including preschool, he has been the only Logan in his grade and in his schools that we know of. I’m happy to say that he likes his name. The only thing that wasn’t really considered is there is no nickname for him. Though that doesn’t stop me from calling him Loag. (He hates when I write it like that which I’ve only started doing because of cell phones. I save a letter by shortening it. Come on – “Log” wouldn’t read right.)

Now on to my name - Karen. This is a derivative of Catherine which mean pure. Ha ha. Pure. Now I do consider myself a Snow White want-to-be as I feed the forest animals each day. Yes, forest animals – birds and squirrels. My heart is pure too. Maybe that’s where it comes from. This name was chosen for me for two reasons. One being that my older sister’s name begins with a K – Kristina. The second reason was both of our names were international known to our family and friends in Germany and Norway. Pronunciation is another story. In NY, it’s Kaa-ren with a flat “a.” In Germany, it s Carr-in with a rolling “r.” And in Norway, it’s pronounced Carn taking away the "e" and making it one syllable. No matter, all versions worked for me through the years.

It is now that I am hitting part three of my life (youth, parenthood, and now the soul searching phase) that I may reinvent myself. Maybe not reinvent myself but shed a little bit of the old me away and welcome in the new. With that, I have slowly begun changing my name. Okay, okay, it was only yesterday at Starbucks. I usually would give them my porn-name Zelda. Just kidding about the porn, but I really would say Zelda to the barista. There was never a second Zelda waiting in the crowd for their skinny pumpkin spice latte with extra cinnamon. I baptized myself with a regular pumpkin spice latte with extra cream and gave the name…Ren. I felt grown up. I felt reborn. I felt like an idiot when they said “Rem? Rem? Grande Pumpkin Spice Latte? "

So as of now, I remain up in the air if Shakespeare was right and a Karen by any other name is still a Karen.

To be continued. Come back and visit blog in January when I host a “Rebirthing Party” for my dear friends as we embrace 2012 and all the new beginnings available to us.

Signed…Ren (what the heck!)

My King "T.U.T."

I wonder if this post's title brings the image of Ancient Egypt to mind. Maybe the use of the words "my king" makes you think of a ruling force in my life. If so, you are half right about a force in my life.

As I finally understand the magic within me, I have found that my belief in my ability to affect the world - my world - is at an all time high. I can thank, in part, Mike Dooley. As a motivational speaker spreading the power of the Law of Attraction, he has created what I call a good-morning-wake-up-call that reminds me of how great I am (and you too!) At no cost, I signed up for http://www.tut.com/ .

Each morning my blackberry automatically powers up one minute before the phone's alarm clock sounds. This means that my blackberry beeps with any and all emails sent between 11:30pm-6:00am. (Let me steer off post as I explain that I have my smart-phone set to auto off/on allowing me to be clock-free in my bedroom. I hate time reminders as well as the glow of an electric clock. And the tick-tock of a wind up clock would be an almost tell-tale-heart like feeling for me.)

Before the alarm sounds, I reach over and click on my TUT: Note from the Universe message. I am almost guaranteed a smile or chuckle as I wake up still warm and cozy under the covers.

Today's message is what prompted this post:

"Not only is everyone beautiful in their own way, Karen, but everyone is beautiful to someone else as well. Just a couple of little perks I built into your whole continuum-thingy. Cool, huh? The Universe"

Not only is it a personalized message for me, but a strong sentiment that squashes any adolescent-like insecurities that I might experience when I compare myself to other beautiful babes who might be the temporary blocks in my soul mate's path on his way to find me.

After reading today's wake-up message, I swung my legs out from under the covers to the side of my bed, breathed in, and remembered once again, how lucky I am to be me and open to all this wonderment.

This falls to LoA as Mike always knows how to stomp out negative vibes and pump up the positive, thereby, resulting in me affecting my world, my day, my universe.

All hail my dear TUT!

BTW - TUT stands for 'Totally Unique Thoughts.' And to the more senior readers BTW stands for 'by the way.'

Rainbow Bridge

It’s been nearly a month now since Shadow had his seizure. Looking back, I am very grateful that it happened when both Logan and I were home with him on that fateful Sunday evening. In fact, not only were we home, we were both within feet from him – me in the doorway and Logan in the den. I realize now that if it would have happened while we were at out or even upstairs by dad, we would never have really understood what had taken place. It’s funny how such afterthoughts can bring comfort during sad times.

On Monday, we had left Shadow with our trusted vet for overnight observation. It was on Tuesday, when this story starts. I had shared with my boss Carol our ordeal. Being a serious dog-lover, Carol reminded me as I stood in her doorway on the way out, to do be strong and prepare for this difficult decision that may lie ahead. (Carol and I have worked together soon to be 18 years and have very few filters within our communications.) I looked directly at her and said, “I’m not worried. I’ll have a sign when it’s time.” And within in one breathe and a hushed “oh my Gosh – look!” There over Carol’s head was a rainbow. I have never, I repeat never, seen a rainbow in Manhattan. Carol turned and said, “Well, there’s your sign - it’s Rainbow Bridge.” I was unfamiliar with Rainbow Bridge. Carol immediately googled it and printed it out for me to read.

Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable. All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.

The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind. They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart. Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together ~Author Unknown

As you may have read on a previous post, Shadow went on to live two more weeks. We had some good and grateful moments and memories in this short time. And when it was time, I knew it with every ounce of my heart, soul, and mind, as did Shadow. Both of us had taken the time to say good-bye to each other during these precious weeks. Logan too had the time he needed to accept the inevitable.

I’ll end this story with today’s discovery. Working from home, I finally called over to the pet crematorium to set up a time to pick up Shadow’s ashes. Now, I had been in contact with the crematorium three times and never knew them as anything other than the pet crematorium people. You could have knocked me over with a feather (or rather large pillow filled with feathers) when the woman gave me directions to this industrial area and said the name on the awning is…wait for it…Rainbow Bridge.

Now, a logical person would say it’s a marketing gimmick. Embracing my inner beliefs and holding on tight to my intuition and knack of seeing signs, it was much, much more than that. Maybe tonight, I will be able to sleep after saying out loud, “good night Shadow, I love you” without tears on my pillow. For years, this was how I ended my days each night with Shadow at the foot of my bed. Maybe one day it will turn to a quiet whisper, then maybe a thought, and finally a gentle memory.

Flipping Rooms

As posted at the start of summer, we are flipping around our rooms. The master bedroom is becoming the large Family Room. Logan's small bedroom is becoming my personal haven. Our sunlit den is becoming Logan's lair. Within the next two weeks, two of the three rooms will be complete. It is such a renewing process.

This being my childhood home makes it that much closer to my heart. Let me further explain. Some friends do not understand the downsizing of my sleeping rooms, I'm embracing it. After 15 years looking up at the same ceiling area, I'm moving only 15 feet or so north. I believe that once I look up at the new ceiling, I may find the comfort in this ceiling as it was both mine and Logan's nursery rooms. Welcome back nostalgia!

Now in Logan's case, his new lair will be a room of convenience to him. It's the other side of the house & central to our day time living. No longer is his bedroom hidden at the back of the house away from every day living. He will be off the kitchen, dining room, and living room. In other words, he can hunker down in there and choose to be part of family living or just close his door and enjoy his hide away.

So as the final steps of painting, new flooring, and new beds take place, I look forward to rolling up my sleeves and finishing the last room of my post-divorce home. I find it apropos that the final redo is turning the master bedroom into the perfect family room. Ten years after the demise of my marriage...my time has finally arrived. I embrace our immediate family and finally understand that our family of two is as perfect as a family with both parents and the two or three children I had dreamed about as a child.

Surviving High School

So far so good. Nobody has stolen Logan's lunch money. Nobody has stuffed him in a locker. Nobody has knocked books out of his hands. Nobody has forced him "try a smoke."

Okay, it's only Day Three, but I've seen one too many teen movies depicting high school as four years of hell. My own high school experience was fine. Never had detention. No fights. Nothing haunting me. Some fleeting feelings of inadequacy which I chalk up to normal, healthy adolescence growing pains.

This year, I'm happy to say that Logan has six male teachers out of his eight teachers. Hoping this smorgasbord of testosterone models a variety of male characteristics that Logan can mimic and maybe some traits he chooses to deflect. Keep in mind that Logan has minimal male influence in his daily life.

Another plus is that this means I get to have a speed date with these men when it comes to Parent/Teacher night. That's when you get four minutes with each teacher for some one-on-one time. Of course, it's all about Logan, right?!? Right. Let me bring this post back to Logan...

Logan has friends, plus a couple ex-GFs, in almost all his classes. Ironically, he was seated next to one of his ex-GFs who is a grade older, but this should have been expected since he does take some advanced classes. He's enjoying lunch with his three good friends. A little icing on the cake is that one of his teachers was his tech teacher from last year. Hopefully, familiarity brings comfort not contempt. Sad to say that is the one class that has soured his first week just a tiny bit. A senior told him and his other two friends "you look stupid." Now tell me, what does that even mean? Knowing this teacher, he'll squelch that sort of behavior if it becomes a common occurrence. And if not, it means I can request a teacher conference if needed.{{{wink - wink}}}

As Day Three plays out, let's remember as Mike Dooley says "thoughts become things." And I think it's going to be a great year for student and student's mom.

POST SCRIPT: Two weeks of school have almost concluded and there is peace in the valley. No issues with any upperclassman. Freshman Friday was gentle to him and he now knows about 26 upperclassman from that Tech class. Whew!

Summer's End

Tomorrow is the unofficial close of summer. Pools, parks, and beaches close. School begins. Traffic gets heavier. Air conditions quiet down. To some this might be sad, but I find myself excited to greet the fall season.

Logan begins High School on Tuesday and is more than ready for this school. After swimming at the pool for the past three years, he is very familiar with the public areas such as the cafeteria, the gym, the restrooms, the pool, the library and the hang-out-between-classses-area known as the Commons. He also knows enough upperclassmen to give him the comfort of belonging. Add to all this that he is expected to be on the Varsity Swim team, and it looks like an exciting freshman year for him.

Now as for me, it's my time. The summer was very busy work wise and also home-project wise. I am looking forward to continuing working at home three days a week but shutting down at 5pm. Hoping to put some of the long days of overtime to rest for now. This will allow me a more normal night life. I guess I see the fall as a time of more downtime for me than the busy summer days and nights. (Just wait until winter when I can just snuggle in a blanket and hibernate.)

Other than the loss of Shadow, this has been a great summer and no regrets. We played, danced, sang, worked, swam, ate, partied, and celebrated...who needs summer for that. Welcome autumn! Hayrides, hot cider, Halloween parties, fall festivals...hello fall!

Hot, Hot, Hot....Florida That Is!

It was time for Logan's annual visit to Florida to visit Joanie (his grandmother formerly known as Omi) and Rudi. This year, Logan traveled with his buddy Kevin, for a 10-day visit. Within a week, i was there for my portion of the visit, that being only 4 days.

In my short time, we hit the beach, Sarasota's artsy boutiques, watched the boys go off on their segway tour, swam, jacuzzi-ed, shopped, movies, sat, talked, talked, and talked. This was the first time that the boys had spent so much time together. I think they did great and quickly recognized that they needed some "alone time" or maybe "away from each other time." And...to each boys' relief, this time was well received.

Now, I began this post with the title "hot,hot,hot..." and it was. After waiting a lonnng time in Burger King for four refreshing milk shakes, it finally dawned on me. Everybody thinks NYers visiting Florida are rude. We are not rude, we are just really, really hot.

As I finish this post in my cool, comfy bed, I hear the humming of my A/C overhead and smile to myself as I throw a blanket over my legs. Ahhh! or maybe Brrrr! sums it up. Happy to have gone. Happy to be home.

My Shadow

Two weeks and a day after his seizure, Logan and I had to say good-bye to our sweet puppy. We had hoped that he would slowly get better or at least be around much longer in a slower fashion. This did not happen.

Shadow had seemed to improve each day before I left for Florida to catch up with Logan and his buddy Kevin at mom and Rudi's. Daily phone calls to the vet, where he was boarded for the first time ever, were more encouraging then I had expected. Truthfully, whenever I asked "how is Shadow today?", I'd get the response "He's doing good." "Really?" "Yes, he's doing good."

Logan and I raced off to the vet as soon as we returned from the airport last Friday. Knowing that Shadow would slip and slide on the vet's linoleum floor from excitement when he saw us, they took him out the backdoor to the grassy area for our reunion. I was surprised and concerned when Shadow barely glanced at us and simply pulled gently on the leash that had been handed to me. He seemed to be almost shell-shocked.

Saturday was an okay day for him and us as we prepared for Hurricane Irene and secured our backyard items and prepared in the home as well. That evening, he seemed uncomfortable but Reiki really seemed to calm him into a nice deep, lethargic sort of state. As the hurricane came and went, Shadow and I had a bad night that Sunday. With no power at our home or at the Animal Hospital, I held off from my 4:00am call until later that afternoon. Finally, I connected with our vet who also had no power.

It was time.

Logan and I laid on the floor with Shadow and with my arms around him, my whispers in his ear about love and gratitude for our time with him, and with Logan in Shadow's vision, he is gone...but never to be forgotten.

"Me and my Shadow
Strolling down the avenue
Oh, me and my Shadow..."