Time

Time has stopped for me. I don't mean in the literal sense. I just can't look too far ahead anymore. A month ago, I had no doubt how great life was and was looking forward to the unexpected. As I now deal with my new life and the many changes that I'll experience without Dad in my corner, I don't want to look to far ahead. I really just live for today.

I try not to let my thoughts go to a negative place. But...I rack my brains trying to understand what I didn't see. I believe my heart knew, but logic wouldn't accept that Dad wasn't going to bounce back.

I look at the calendar, pics and videos over the past months, past doctor visits on statements coming in the mail, and things Dad had said over and over again. The analyst in me is trying to put together a time line for the missing pieces to help me understand what happened. I will never fully know, but some pieces have clarified the picture a bit and brought some comfort.

Yestetday, Logan and I saw Justin Timberlake's new movie "In Time." This is where minutes replace money as the main commodity for living. A cup of coffee cost four minutes. Throughout the film, I wondered how much time I would have given to my dad, would give to Logan...and others I loved. I even thought about banking minutes through overtime for desperate people at the end of their time.

The one thing I took away is that we can't live forever. According to the movie, Dad would have celebrated his 25th birthday (you stop aging at 25) 50x...and THAT he might have lived as each day for the 49 years were lived out to the last second.

So, I go on a bit slower, a bit more cautious, and grateful for all that I have at this moment. It can be hard for me at times, but no doubt what Dad would want. Today, I visit 92-year-old Olivia in rehab and will give her some of my minutes. Olivia is "In Time." She does live for each day...money no longer matters.

Who will your share your minutes with?

My Hardest Post Written

I'm not in the mood to write, but think I need to in order to move on. Last Thursday, October 13, 2011, my father passed away in our home. The weeks prior to his passing were difficult for him as he was unable to sleep, enjoy food, simply put, very uncomfortable.

It is only now that I look back that I realize this was longer than the three weeks I remembered. I think I can now recognize that during the hurricane on August 28th that his health was on a downward spiral.

Having said this, I think that Dad was tired. Tired of not being able to stop smoking, tired of being at the mercy of his body, and even too tired to fight anymore.

Logan and I are left with many memories as we had lived together for eight years. Dad, or Papa as Logan called him, became the day-to-day father figure. This loss is so new that Logan has not even begun to grieve.

Me...I cry often. I cried when I reached for phone when checking in for work. I cried when Logan was playing XBox and I couldn't steal away a visit with dad. I cried when I realized he was alone when he passed.

I also smiled and laughed. I smiled at Logan when the police honor guard stepped before us. I laughed when I found a diary with only a few entries started in 2007. I laughed when I saw newspapers piling up on stairs as I can't yet cancel his subscription.

Over the next weeks, I'll fill in some blanks that I just can't write down. Yet.

"Dad, I love you always no matter what...here or there...you are my Home!"

16 Again?

I wish this would be a post about turning Sweet 16 or embracing this magical era of our lives in the later years. It’s not. It is the unexpected weight gain of…gulp…16 pounds. I knew that I had put on a good 8-10 pounds after having my band loosened and taking a med with the side effect of a sweet tooth. It was once again through the eyes of my beloved mom that I ran out for a new scale. So, for the first time in 3.5 years, I have gained weight. What the hay? That can’t be so. Or I won’t let it be so.

With that, it’s back to the old drawing board. Deep self searching, soul searching, why-do-I-sabotage-myself thinking. And I have the answer. I don’t really care. Not true – I do care, I just don’t understand why I don’t care more about myself. Why do I keep holding onto blocks or creating blocks that interfere with a physically better me? Therapy, meditation, late night talks, self-help books…nothing seems to get through to me.

Well, I’m trying a new approach. No regret. No guilt. No flashbacks. Eyes forward and one day at a time is the approach that I will try to take. It helps that my dad needs my help with his dietary needs as he has been under the weather for the past three weeks. Add that Logan is about to swim hours upon hours with the school team, that nutrition has to be viewed as fuel. With that, we are living the Joanie-Nutrition method. It might not be famous to more than our immediate family and Logan’s buddy who lived within this method for ten days with happy results, but it works.

Ready for the secret…simply eat. That is eating three meals and healthy snacks in between. That’s it. No measuring, no weighing, no eliminating. I’ll throw in one more ingredient, moderation, and you have the perfect recipe to better living.

Let me end this post with a positive reinforcement (to self) that when racing from class to class during Open House at the high school, I’ve seen old friends who commented again and again on how I’ve changed. Add to the fact that I enjoyed a preview of my upcoming Teacher-Speed-Date-Night* my MoJo is back. For me that translates as MOm JOan way of living.

Off to the arboretum today for some much needed girl-talk with Kerry as we enjoy a crisp autumn day. A little more encouragement from her, and I am back, baby.

*Note to all: female and married teachers will be eliminated from my night of speed dating. That may leave only one or two actual 4-minute dates during Parent/Teacher Night…but that might be all I need. To be continued…