New Beginnings

August 1...half-way through summer...school in the near-yet-distant future...it is time. Once again, time to reboot so many areas of my life. Healthy choices, home life, social life, and many happy beginnings.

We have a new puppy in our life. Welcome Jasper!

Going back to school - thank you work as I take advantage of the Tuition Assistance Program reimbursement benefit.

Logan gets to relax soon after a summer filled with two AM swim practices (6a-7:45a and 8:30a-10a) followed by training as a counselor/swim instructor from 1p-4p daily. He gets 2-3 weeks free and then can begin training with girls' High School swim team.

Family room is complete and has become our sanctuary. From mounted flat screen, new furniture, and fresh paint...it has become our refreshing sanctuary away from heat and sweat.  Great seats for viewing the Olympics!

And the last new beginning (for Bill) is a new Mrs. S.  Yes, he is finally getting married. Unfortunately, ego and pride have kept a wedge between Logan and Bill. Had hoped this happy change would soften Bill. It seems that time may be the only saving force. Wishing him & Cora...well...from a safe distance that is.

Happy Summer to all!

Hibernation Has Ended for 2012

With the buds on the trees, the flowers showing their colors, and the grass jutting up here and there, it is time to awaken from my winter slumber. Where does the time go? Time again for a catch-up-recap...

February
Karen Update
As always, loved my birthday, but felt a tremendous loss as Dad was not here on Earth to celebrate with me. Kelly, Tina, and Michele came through and spent a lovely evening with me and champagne. I never realized but our birthdays were so connected. We used to always have a cake for mine and the second half on his two days later. Many times, we had to get a brand new cake because the ice cream cake wouldn't last two days. C'mon though - it was always one of the "lil' love" small cakes. What you may not know is that my mother had a choice for birthdays as I was a planned c-section baby. She purposely chose a different day (Feb 9) from Dad's (Feb 11) so that I would always have a day 'just for me.' And for that, I am always grateful. Now knowing that, you'd think that I could differentiate my day from Dad's this year. I realize it wasn't the birth day, it was the fact that my childhood memories are just memories now. No Daddy to say "happy birthday, honey" as I brought his paper up. I'm sure it will get easier, but I must say "Belated Happy Birthday, Dad, I miss you."

Logan Update
Logan's big February happening actually happened on my birthday weekend. On February 10, Logan made it to the High School swim team's big championship. He had qualified at his very first meet to swim in the 100 breast event (4 laps at the 25 yard pool.) He swam his best time ever at this event and went on from the qualifying meet to the Championships on February 11 - Dad's birthday. It was very exciting. Logan, Jimmy, and Kenny were the only 9th graders to make it. What a great feat!

MARCH
Karen Update
They say March comes in like a lion and leaves like a lamb. They were wrong. It was a lamb since November. We were worried back in October when we had snow before Halloween. And that, my friends, was it for us. Maybe, can't recall though, maybe a dusting of snow once since then. It was really a quiet month filled with long hours of work - still loving it - and enjoying the close of swim season.

Logan Update
Swim, swim, swim. Logan ended the high school season in February but was in full swing with his club team and the local CYO swim team. He went on to swim in the Junior Olympics but also the next level up, the more challenging Zones Championships. Again, he qualified and made it into the actual Championship on his breast stroke. He went in as 8th and came out in same position. His pals Jimmy, Kris, and Vinny also made it to the Zones qualifying meet. Poor Jimmy was sick as a dog. Vinny did his best time and came in, I believe, 5th in his 500 (20 laps!) event.

April
Karen Update
It finally happened...I converted back to a full time employee with my firm.  It came as a surprise as for years, every six months my contract would be extended.  I outlasted Ruben, Amie, and Todd as the big bosses who each in their own turn recognized my role and agreed that I should be an FTE.  Only when Kate left our department to become a planner at another firm, that it happened.  the offer came and before I knew it, I slid from consultant to employee.  That was my highlight.  April 30, 2012. 

Logan Update
If finally happened...Logan broke the 50 Breaststroke record at CYO for the 13/14 age group.  it was very exciting as I sat with Mrs. Salerno at the Aquatic Center and watched his do it.  I knew he was in the lead and was on to his gold medal, but it was only when he looked up at the timer - Coach Glenn - that Logan threw his fist in the air.  Now, his name remains in the books until the next 13/14 year old boy bypasses it.  Next record to break - Coach Ilchuk at the HS.  Logan's coming after you Coach!

May
Life has been so wonderful.  It actually breaks my heart to not have Dad here to experience each joyful moment, victorious celebration, and successful achievement.  I have to believe that it is because of HIM that it has all come together so quickly after his leaving.    Logan continues to swim and do well at school and has a new girlfriend.  As he grows up and spreads his wings, I see only great things in his future.

iPhones Have Arrived

For over eight months, Logan and I have waited to make the move to the iPhone generation. We waited for cell plans to expire, the newer version to work out the kinks, and finally for Apple to come to our carrier. For two hours, we sat loading our contacts, syncing our iTunes, and uploading apps. I wonder how long the excitement will last. Right now, it's pretty neat.

My family is not from the iPhone generation. They are from the in-case-of-emergency and the more popular look-how-cheap-my-preplan-phone-is. I say to them , "Phooey! You don't know what you're missing." And lucky them - they don't.

They will not have an unnatural hump on the back of their neck as they age. They will not have carpal tunnel nor eyesight damage at an early age. And they will not know what it means to look at your phone every time a phone in a 15 foot radius beeps. Lucky them!

There is a 'lucky us' for the iPhone generation. We will know about traffic jams before they happen (as we could be the cause.) We will know that at any given moment, we can receive communication from anybody. ("Yes, Logan, I will pick up some oak tag/milk/dinner - fill in the blank - on the way home.") We will know what it means to pay communication fees, taxes, and services. Lucky us!

And yet...I love this little 4.5" x 3.2"device that fits in my pocket. It is my books, my notes, my address book, my entertainment, my email, my computer, my bank, my maps, my recipe holder, my schedule, my photo album, my VCR, my video cam, my television,my camera, my stereo, my dictionary, my encyclopedia, my thesaurus, my newspaper, my clock, my flashlight, my level (yes - as in tools), and - let's not forget - my phone.

Now...the important thing is...that I don't forget my iPhone.

iHappy iBirthday, iRudy!

Who's a Swim Fan?

I am!!!

Logan is either a fish, Aquaman, or maybe even Poseidon. The high school Varsity Swim team started their season the first week of November. Funny thing, there was no water in the school's pool for FOUR weeks. This means the boys had to meet six times a week to do the dreaded Dry Land activities. As Coach said, having been a competitive swimmer himself, "...it is because of running that we swim." Swimmers hate running, squats, push ups, etc. Now what you have to understand is that their Dry Land was more like Boot Camp. Good news, two days before their first meet in December, they finally got in the water. And he has been in it every since.

Practice six days a week for 2.5 hours plus they added 1.25 hours every school day for December. And when Christmas break came and school was closed, they swam 3.5 hours each morning. After practice, the entire team of 30+ boys would all go off to a different swimmer's home for a breakfast of pancakes, eggs, muffins followed by a DVD. It was a great bonding time for all.

Now where does the Swim Fan come in, well, that's me. I get to enjoy the meets and the meets and the meets. Did I forget to say that Logan is on three teams right now?

Today we had a state meet for the Varsity team at the Aquatic Center which houses an Olympic-sized pool. There were around 20 schools competing which makes it more of beat-your-own-time sort of meet. Tomorrow morning, we are off to a local college pool for the club team. Tomorrow late afternoon, we are off to the Church team's meet at the Aquatic Center again.

Before you go thinking I'm one of those Texas Cheerleader moms, I'm not. The Varsity team takes precedent during the short season of 12 weeks. The club team takes a back seat other than the random weekend meet. The Church team is a gentler team with two lighter practices and lots of fun as there are other Varsity swimmers on team as well.

Varsity = Serious Swim
Club = Time Off
Church = Co-ed

We have three more weeks before the County Finals. And I will miss it.

Oh, did I remember to point out that Logan has one of the best times in his breast stroke? Proud Mama here.

Hello 2012!

The year started out with a bang. Yesterday, I celebrated with 20 dear friends this new era upon us by throwing a Rebirthing Party. This was my version of starting over, starting fresh, and embracing who we are. It was a Ladies Only night and consisted of neighbors, childhood friends, school friends, friends made through Logan's activities, co-workers, and friends of friends. The ages of my guests ranged from 33 to 83. It was estrogen at its finest.

After receiving the responses to my Evite, I shared a one week blog with a daily post with this group of amazing women. Each day, I shared insight to the different blocks that stand in our way and hold us back from being who we are or who we forgot we are. This included personal inventory, priorities, forgiveness, and acceptance. A fun task we all had to do was to find a theme song that fit our current stage of life. (I chose Iz' Somewhere Over the Rainbow which includes two verses from Louis Armstrong's Wonderful World.) The piece de resistance was when I asked each woman to look deep inside to find, remember, or invite a part of them that needed to come to life and rename that "woman." Let me introduce my feminine energy...her name is Lily.

The party was filled with activities: a firepit burning ceremony surrounded by a circle of colored lights in the backyard, energy clearing/tandem Reiki, gemstone lottery, candle lighting, and LCR - the best dice game with a buy in of $3. Add cocktails, drinks, and laughter...a wonderful way to begin 2012.

Looking forward to a fabulous 2012. Lots of good things coming our way...I can feel it in my bones. Happy New Year!

Good-bye 2011!

It's here. The "big" 2012 has finally arrived, and I am thrilled. The last three months of 2011 were filled with so much anxiety, stress, sadness, excitement, accomplishments, and joy. And that is why I had no time to write. Truthfully, I wasn't in the mood to write as my attention was turned to working on the house, getting Dad's things in order, preparing for the holiday season, and juggling bills.

Now the anxiety, stress, and sadness all stemmed from Dad's passing. I cry daily, but also find joy in each day. I decided that my mourning would be a time of celebrating Dad while appreciating each day. I often find myself grabbing the necklace with his religious medals, which hangs around my neck, and kissing them four times. (We always kissed four times. And if I mis-kissed him, four more times until I got it right.) Today at Logan's swim meet, I found myself with camcorder in one hand and the other holding medals to my lips as I whisper, "C'mon, Dad!" I know that means, "Do your thing. Make it happen. Help Logan." He is all around me.

The excitement, accomplishments, and joy are all a result of the wonderful things that happen to me on a daily basis. I truly feel as if I have Midas touch. Again, I feel that Dad is working overtime. Too many good things to even begin to list. One of the best things is my new car. I love her.

The holidays were enjoyable and surprisingly only two days that took me by surprise - Christmas Eve and New Year's Day. I really thought I'd get by unscathed. Good news though, my friends support in all areas made it more joyful then usual. From Thanksgiving at Tina and Chris', Secret Santa gifts mysteriously found under our tree (over 24 gifts!!!), Christmas Eve with Michele/Pat and Kelly/Charlie plus midnight mass with Miss Mavis, and New Year's Eve party hopping with friends. A fun-filled holiday season for Logan and me. A good ending for a difficult year.

Pumpkin Spice Season

As I sit back on the morning train, sipping a 7/11 Pumpkin Spice Latte, I find myself reminiscing. It had only been a couple years now that Pumpkin Spice hit the market which I think is due to Starbucks. Luckily, other popular coffee spots, Dunkin Donuts & 7/11, also joined in.

Now I'm not reminiscing about coffee, but where the flavor brings me.

It makes me think back to Pumpkin Patches with Logan. Trick or treating on my childhood street. Driving down Bethpage Parkway just to enjoy the changing leaves. I love autumn.

In the last three weeks, to the day, I lost my dad, celebrated the anniversary of his mother and father's deaths, 11/1 was Nanny and today, 11/3 is Papa's. I don't think any of these have ruined my love of this season. Instead, I try to understand how seasons change, lives change, and everything completes its own cycles.

Perhaps its the beautiful palette of this season, that allows me to still love God's beauty. I don't understand any of it, but my faith in the universe stays intact. So, I will continue to sip my latte, look out the window, and remember with a smile all the things I love about fall.

Time

Time has stopped for me. I don't mean in the literal sense. I just can't look too far ahead anymore. A month ago, I had no doubt how great life was and was looking forward to the unexpected. As I now deal with my new life and the many changes that I'll experience without Dad in my corner, I don't want to look to far ahead. I really just live for today.

I try not to let my thoughts go to a negative place. But...I rack my brains trying to understand what I didn't see. I believe my heart knew, but logic wouldn't accept that Dad wasn't going to bounce back.

I look at the calendar, pics and videos over the past months, past doctor visits on statements coming in the mail, and things Dad had said over and over again. The analyst in me is trying to put together a time line for the missing pieces to help me understand what happened. I will never fully know, but some pieces have clarified the picture a bit and brought some comfort.

Yestetday, Logan and I saw Justin Timberlake's new movie "In Time." This is where minutes replace money as the main commodity for living. A cup of coffee cost four minutes. Throughout the film, I wondered how much time I would have given to my dad, would give to Logan...and others I loved. I even thought about banking minutes through overtime for desperate people at the end of their time.

The one thing I took away is that we can't live forever. According to the movie, Dad would have celebrated his 25th birthday (you stop aging at 25) 50x...and THAT he might have lived as each day for the 49 years were lived out to the last second.

So, I go on a bit slower, a bit more cautious, and grateful for all that I have at this moment. It can be hard for me at times, but no doubt what Dad would want. Today, I visit 92-year-old Olivia in rehab and will give her some of my minutes. Olivia is "In Time." She does live for each day...money no longer matters.

Who will your share your minutes with?

My Hardest Post Written

I'm not in the mood to write, but think I need to in order to move on. Last Thursday, October 13, 2011, my father passed away in our home. The weeks prior to his passing were difficult for him as he was unable to sleep, enjoy food, simply put, very uncomfortable.

It is only now that I look back that I realize this was longer than the three weeks I remembered. I think I can now recognize that during the hurricane on August 28th that his health was on a downward spiral.

Having said this, I think that Dad was tired. Tired of not being able to stop smoking, tired of being at the mercy of his body, and even too tired to fight anymore.

Logan and I are left with many memories as we had lived together for eight years. Dad, or Papa as Logan called him, became the day-to-day father figure. This loss is so new that Logan has not even begun to grieve.

Me...I cry often. I cried when I reached for phone when checking in for work. I cried when Logan was playing XBox and I couldn't steal away a visit with dad. I cried when I realized he was alone when he passed.

I also smiled and laughed. I smiled at Logan when the police honor guard stepped before us. I laughed when I found a diary with only a few entries started in 2007. I laughed when I saw newspapers piling up on stairs as I can't yet cancel his subscription.

Over the next weeks, I'll fill in some blanks that I just can't write down. Yet.

"Dad, I love you always no matter what...here or there...you are my Home!"

16 Again?

I wish this would be a post about turning Sweet 16 or embracing this magical era of our lives in the later years. It’s not. It is the unexpected weight gain of…gulp…16 pounds. I knew that I had put on a good 8-10 pounds after having my band loosened and taking a med with the side effect of a sweet tooth. It was once again through the eyes of my beloved mom that I ran out for a new scale. So, for the first time in 3.5 years, I have gained weight. What the hay? That can’t be so. Or I won’t let it be so.

With that, it’s back to the old drawing board. Deep self searching, soul searching, why-do-I-sabotage-myself thinking. And I have the answer. I don’t really care. Not true – I do care, I just don’t understand why I don’t care more about myself. Why do I keep holding onto blocks or creating blocks that interfere with a physically better me? Therapy, meditation, late night talks, self-help books…nothing seems to get through to me.

Well, I’m trying a new approach. No regret. No guilt. No flashbacks. Eyes forward and one day at a time is the approach that I will try to take. It helps that my dad needs my help with his dietary needs as he has been under the weather for the past three weeks. Add that Logan is about to swim hours upon hours with the school team, that nutrition has to be viewed as fuel. With that, we are living the Joanie-Nutrition method. It might not be famous to more than our immediate family and Logan’s buddy who lived within this method for ten days with happy results, but it works.

Ready for the secret…simply eat. That is eating three meals and healthy snacks in between. That’s it. No measuring, no weighing, no eliminating. I’ll throw in one more ingredient, moderation, and you have the perfect recipe to better living.

Let me end this post with a positive reinforcement (to self) that when racing from class to class during Open House at the high school, I’ve seen old friends who commented again and again on how I’ve changed. Add to the fact that I enjoyed a preview of my upcoming Teacher-Speed-Date-Night* my MoJo is back. For me that translates as MOm JOan way of living.

Off to the arboretum today for some much needed girl-talk with Kerry as we enjoy a crisp autumn day. A little more encouragement from her, and I am back, baby.

*Note to all: female and married teachers will be eliminated from my night of speed dating. That may leave only one or two actual 4-minute dates during Parent/Teacher Night…but that might be all I need. To be continued…

"What's in a Name?"

“...that which we call a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet." You have to give it to Shakespeare – deep and interesting statement.

Some people’s names were already chosen maybe 10 or 20 years before they were born. In this case, usually this name had followed a woman through the early years as she imagines what her future family will be like. She can’t name her husband…but her kids, that’s another story. Many have names that had been rolled over tongues, spoken out loud, analyzed every which way, or simply inherited through the family lineage within the nine months prior to birth. And then the remaining names were decided after being held, viewed, sniffed, touched, and covered with kisses by very proud and excited new-born-parents.

We have no input. We are given a name and then must either live up to it, shake the image of it, or just go with it.

My experience as a parent was the second example. It was during pregnancy that my son's name was decided. It was the rolling off the tongue, receiving the approval of a very dear but critiquing friend, and visualizing what others would think of when saying the name. That name being Logan. My image was of a handsome boy that the girls would swoon over with breathy voices as they say “Logan.” And the other image was of boys saying “It’s Logan – get him!” as they chase him. (My image was always of a Casanova loved by some and envied by others.) When I later learned of Logan-the-Lifeguard from Baywatch and Logan-the-Comic-Book-Hero a.k.a. Wolverine that I realized it fit my child. My swimmer and formerly long-haired rough-and-tumble boy is a Logan. As he now begins his 12th year of school, including preschool, he has been the only Logan in his grade and in his schools that we know of. I’m happy to say that he likes his name. The only thing that wasn’t really considered is there is no nickname for him. Though that doesn’t stop me from calling him Loag. (He hates when I write it like that which I’ve only started doing because of cell phones. I save a letter by shortening it. Come on – “Log” wouldn’t read right.)

Now on to my name - Karen. This is a derivative of Catherine which mean pure. Ha ha. Pure. Now I do consider myself a Snow White want-to-be as I feed the forest animals each day. Yes, forest animals – birds and squirrels. My heart is pure too. Maybe that’s where it comes from. This name was chosen for me for two reasons. One being that my older sister’s name begins with a K – Kristina. The second reason was both of our names were international known to our family and friends in Germany and Norway. Pronunciation is another story. In NY, it’s Kaa-ren with a flat “a.” In Germany, it s Carr-in with a rolling “r.” And in Norway, it’s pronounced Carn taking away the "e" and making it one syllable. No matter, all versions worked for me through the years.

It is now that I am hitting part three of my life (youth, parenthood, and now the soul searching phase) that I may reinvent myself. Maybe not reinvent myself but shed a little bit of the old me away and welcome in the new. With that, I have slowly begun changing my name. Okay, okay, it was only yesterday at Starbucks. I usually would give them my porn-name Zelda. Just kidding about the porn, but I really would say Zelda to the barista. There was never a second Zelda waiting in the crowd for their skinny pumpkin spice latte with extra cinnamon. I baptized myself with a regular pumpkin spice latte with extra cream and gave the name…Ren. I felt grown up. I felt reborn. I felt like an idiot when they said “Rem? Rem? Grande Pumpkin Spice Latte? "

So as of now, I remain up in the air if Shakespeare was right and a Karen by any other name is still a Karen.

To be continued. Come back and visit blog in January when I host a “Rebirthing Party” for my dear friends as we embrace 2012 and all the new beginnings available to us.

Signed…Ren (what the heck!)

My King "T.U.T."

I wonder if this post's title brings the image of Ancient Egypt to mind. Maybe the use of the words "my king" makes you think of a ruling force in my life. If so, you are half right about a force in my life.

As I finally understand the magic within me, I have found that my belief in my ability to affect the world - my world - is at an all time high. I can thank, in part, Mike Dooley. As a motivational speaker spreading the power of the Law of Attraction, he has created what I call a good-morning-wake-up-call that reminds me of how great I am (and you too!) At no cost, I signed up for http://www.tut.com/ .

Each morning my blackberry automatically powers up one minute before the phone's alarm clock sounds. This means that my blackberry beeps with any and all emails sent between 11:30pm-6:00am. (Let me steer off post as I explain that I have my smart-phone set to auto off/on allowing me to be clock-free in my bedroom. I hate time reminders as well as the glow of an electric clock. And the tick-tock of a wind up clock would be an almost tell-tale-heart like feeling for me.)

Before the alarm sounds, I reach over and click on my TUT: Note from the Universe message. I am almost guaranteed a smile or chuckle as I wake up still warm and cozy under the covers.

Today's message is what prompted this post:

"Not only is everyone beautiful in their own way, Karen, but everyone is beautiful to someone else as well. Just a couple of little perks I built into your whole continuum-thingy. Cool, huh? The Universe"

Not only is it a personalized message for me, but a strong sentiment that squashes any adolescent-like insecurities that I might experience when I compare myself to other beautiful babes who might be the temporary blocks in my soul mate's path on his way to find me.

After reading today's wake-up message, I swung my legs out from under the covers to the side of my bed, breathed in, and remembered once again, how lucky I am to be me and open to all this wonderment.

This falls to LoA as Mike always knows how to stomp out negative vibes and pump up the positive, thereby, resulting in me affecting my world, my day, my universe.

All hail my dear TUT!

BTW - TUT stands for 'Totally Unique Thoughts.' And to the more senior readers BTW stands for 'by the way.'

Rainbow Bridge

It’s been nearly a month now since Shadow had his seizure. Looking back, I am very grateful that it happened when both Logan and I were home with him on that fateful Sunday evening. In fact, not only were we home, we were both within feet from him – me in the doorway and Logan in the den. I realize now that if it would have happened while we were at out or even upstairs by dad, we would never have really understood what had taken place. It’s funny how such afterthoughts can bring comfort during sad times.

On Monday, we had left Shadow with our trusted vet for overnight observation. It was on Tuesday, when this story starts. I had shared with my boss Carol our ordeal. Being a serious dog-lover, Carol reminded me as I stood in her doorway on the way out, to do be strong and prepare for this difficult decision that may lie ahead. (Carol and I have worked together soon to be 18 years and have very few filters within our communications.) I looked directly at her and said, “I’m not worried. I’ll have a sign when it’s time.” And within in one breathe and a hushed “oh my Gosh – look!” There over Carol’s head was a rainbow. I have never, I repeat never, seen a rainbow in Manhattan. Carol turned and said, “Well, there’s your sign - it’s Rainbow Bridge.” I was unfamiliar with Rainbow Bridge. Carol immediately googled it and printed it out for me to read.

Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable. All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.

The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind. They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart. Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together ~Author Unknown

As you may have read on a previous post, Shadow went on to live two more weeks. We had some good and grateful moments and memories in this short time. And when it was time, I knew it with every ounce of my heart, soul, and mind, as did Shadow. Both of us had taken the time to say good-bye to each other during these precious weeks. Logan too had the time he needed to accept the inevitable.

I’ll end this story with today’s discovery. Working from home, I finally called over to the pet crematorium to set up a time to pick up Shadow’s ashes. Now, I had been in contact with the crematorium three times and never knew them as anything other than the pet crematorium people. You could have knocked me over with a feather (or rather large pillow filled with feathers) when the woman gave me directions to this industrial area and said the name on the awning is…wait for it…Rainbow Bridge.

Now, a logical person would say it’s a marketing gimmick. Embracing my inner beliefs and holding on tight to my intuition and knack of seeing signs, it was much, much more than that. Maybe tonight, I will be able to sleep after saying out loud, “good night Shadow, I love you” without tears on my pillow. For years, this was how I ended my days each night with Shadow at the foot of my bed. Maybe one day it will turn to a quiet whisper, then maybe a thought, and finally a gentle memory.

Flipping Rooms

As posted at the start of summer, we are flipping around our rooms. The master bedroom is becoming the large Family Room. Logan's small bedroom is becoming my personal haven. Our sunlit den is becoming Logan's lair. Within the next two weeks, two of the three rooms will be complete. It is such a renewing process.

This being my childhood home makes it that much closer to my heart. Let me further explain. Some friends do not understand the downsizing of my sleeping rooms, I'm embracing it. After 15 years looking up at the same ceiling area, I'm moving only 15 feet or so north. I believe that once I look up at the new ceiling, I may find the comfort in this ceiling as it was both mine and Logan's nursery rooms. Welcome back nostalgia!

Now in Logan's case, his new lair will be a room of convenience to him. It's the other side of the house & central to our day time living. No longer is his bedroom hidden at the back of the house away from every day living. He will be off the kitchen, dining room, and living room. In other words, he can hunker down in there and choose to be part of family living or just close his door and enjoy his hide away.

So as the final steps of painting, new flooring, and new beds take place, I look forward to rolling up my sleeves and finishing the last room of my post-divorce home. I find it apropos that the final redo is turning the master bedroom into the perfect family room. Ten years after the demise of my marriage...my time has finally arrived. I embrace our immediate family and finally understand that our family of two is as perfect as a family with both parents and the two or three children I had dreamed about as a child.

Surviving High School

So far so good. Nobody has stolen Logan's lunch money. Nobody has stuffed him in a locker. Nobody has knocked books out of his hands. Nobody has forced him "try a smoke."

Okay, it's only Day Three, but I've seen one too many teen movies depicting high school as four years of hell. My own high school experience was fine. Never had detention. No fights. Nothing haunting me. Some fleeting feelings of inadequacy which I chalk up to normal, healthy adolescence growing pains.

This year, I'm happy to say that Logan has six male teachers out of his eight teachers. Hoping this smorgasbord of testosterone models a variety of male characteristics that Logan can mimic and maybe some traits he chooses to deflect. Keep in mind that Logan has minimal male influence in his daily life.

Another plus is that this means I get to have a speed date with these men when it comes to Parent/Teacher night. That's when you get four minutes with each teacher for some one-on-one time. Of course, it's all about Logan, right?!? Right. Let me bring this post back to Logan...

Logan has friends, plus a couple ex-GFs, in almost all his classes. Ironically, he was seated next to one of his ex-GFs who is a grade older, but this should have been expected since he does take some advanced classes. He's enjoying lunch with his three good friends. A little icing on the cake is that one of his teachers was his tech teacher from last year. Hopefully, familiarity brings comfort not contempt. Sad to say that is the one class that has soured his first week just a tiny bit. A senior told him and his other two friends "you look stupid." Now tell me, what does that even mean? Knowing this teacher, he'll squelch that sort of behavior if it becomes a common occurrence. And if not, it means I can request a teacher conference if needed.{{{wink - wink}}}

As Day Three plays out, let's remember as Mike Dooley says "thoughts become things." And I think it's going to be a great year for student and student's mom.

POST SCRIPT: Two weeks of school have almost concluded and there is peace in the valley. No issues with any upperclassman. Freshman Friday was gentle to him and he now knows about 26 upperclassman from that Tech class. Whew!

Summer's End

Tomorrow is the unofficial close of summer. Pools, parks, and beaches close. School begins. Traffic gets heavier. Air conditions quiet down. To some this might be sad, but I find myself excited to greet the fall season.

Logan begins High School on Tuesday and is more than ready for this school. After swimming at the pool for the past three years, he is very familiar with the public areas such as the cafeteria, the gym, the restrooms, the pool, the library and the hang-out-between-classses-area known as the Commons. He also knows enough upperclassmen to give him the comfort of belonging. Add to all this that he is expected to be on the Varsity Swim team, and it looks like an exciting freshman year for him.

Now as for me, it's my time. The summer was very busy work wise and also home-project wise. I am looking forward to continuing working at home three days a week but shutting down at 5pm. Hoping to put some of the long days of overtime to rest for now. This will allow me a more normal night life. I guess I see the fall as a time of more downtime for me than the busy summer days and nights. (Just wait until winter when I can just snuggle in a blanket and hibernate.)

Other than the loss of Shadow, this has been a great summer and no regrets. We played, danced, sang, worked, swam, ate, partied, and celebrated...who needs summer for that. Welcome autumn! Hayrides, hot cider, Halloween parties, fall festivals...hello fall!

Hot, Hot, Hot....Florida That Is!

It was time for Logan's annual visit to Florida to visit Joanie (his grandmother formerly known as Omi) and Rudi. This year, Logan traveled with his buddy Kevin, for a 10-day visit. Within a week, i was there for my portion of the visit, that being only 4 days.

In my short time, we hit the beach, Sarasota's artsy boutiques, watched the boys go off on their segway tour, swam, jacuzzi-ed, shopped, movies, sat, talked, talked, and talked. This was the first time that the boys had spent so much time together. I think they did great and quickly recognized that they needed some "alone time" or maybe "away from each other time." And...to each boys' relief, this time was well received.

Now, I began this post with the title "hot,hot,hot..." and it was. After waiting a lonnng time in Burger King for four refreshing milk shakes, it finally dawned on me. Everybody thinks NYers visiting Florida are rude. We are not rude, we are just really, really hot.

As I finish this post in my cool, comfy bed, I hear the humming of my A/C overhead and smile to myself as I throw a blanket over my legs. Ahhh! or maybe Brrrr! sums it up. Happy to have gone. Happy to be home.

My Shadow

Two weeks and a day after his seizure, Logan and I had to say good-bye to our sweet puppy. We had hoped that he would slowly get better or at least be around much longer in a slower fashion. This did not happen.

Shadow had seemed to improve each day before I left for Florida to catch up with Logan and his buddy Kevin at mom and Rudi's. Daily phone calls to the vet, where he was boarded for the first time ever, were more encouraging then I had expected. Truthfully, whenever I asked "how is Shadow today?", I'd get the response "He's doing good." "Really?" "Yes, he's doing good."

Logan and I raced off to the vet as soon as we returned from the airport last Friday. Knowing that Shadow would slip and slide on the vet's linoleum floor from excitement when he saw us, they took him out the backdoor to the grassy area for our reunion. I was surprised and concerned when Shadow barely glanced at us and simply pulled gently on the leash that had been handed to me. He seemed to be almost shell-shocked.

Saturday was an okay day for him and us as we prepared for Hurricane Irene and secured our backyard items and prepared in the home as well. That evening, he seemed uncomfortable but Reiki really seemed to calm him into a nice deep, lethargic sort of state. As the hurricane came and went, Shadow and I had a bad night that Sunday. With no power at our home or at the Animal Hospital, I held off from my 4:00am call until later that afternoon. Finally, I connected with our vet who also had no power.

It was time.

Logan and I laid on the floor with Shadow and with my arms around him, my whispers in his ear about love and gratitude for our time with him, and with Logan in Shadow's vision, he is gone...but never to be forgotten.

"Me and my Shadow
Strolling down the avenue
Oh, me and my Shadow..."

Reiki and Shadow

Out of the blue this past Sunday, our soon-to-be 11 yr old dog Shadow had a seizure as he began to eat dinner. Logan and I comforted him (didn't realize that we should stand back until it passed) and then sat with him throughout the night. After observation at the vet over the next day and a half, I took him home to be with us. As the days passed, he seemed to get stronger. Strong enough that the idea of putting him down was removed and the need to treat him with Reiki grew.

Whenever I would do Reiki on somebody, be it upstairs or downstairs out of Shadow's vision, he would whine and shift in place when he saw me. Anytime I would reach out to touch him directly, he would pull away. Since Reiki can only exist with a willing recipient, I would not pursue him. I would from a distance of about 3-4 feet and reach out to him which was agreeable to him.

Now as soon as he went down with his seizure, I began to Reiki him to just bring him comfort. Logan and Dad looked on at me - slightly amused (dad) and slightly annoyed (Logan) as I did it. The vibration was there and a strong heat by his stomach. Sure enough, he has a mass in his stomach as the $160 X-Rays showed the next day.

Once he returned home, each night I sat with him and took a few minutes to reach out to him. Direct contact made him uncomfortable, but scanning my hands over him relaxed him greatly. The purpose of Reiki (God's Energy / Universal Energy) is to reduce stress and let the energies within flow. I never felt more connected to Reiki until now.

As a newer practitioner, I understand that until you experience it for yourself, it sounds a bit 'out there.' Good news, enough of my friends and colleagues have had good experiences that I am able to quietly take in the wonder of Reiki.

Looking forward to visiting my #1 recipient Rudi. It's been a few months, and I cannot wait for his critiquing. The nicest thing I was told, and by him, was that he couldn't describe the feeling. It was just like being in a cloud of my love wrapping around him from head to toe. What could be nicer than such a feeling? So I end with "Got Reiki?"

Post Script: It is nearly one month later. Reiki became a very comforting part of Shadow's hospice care. He'd lay at the foot of the bed panting each night. (This panting was a result of the anemia's effect to his oxygen levle.) I would rest above him on the bed and direct the Reiki over his body. Within minutes, the panting would subside, and he would go into a very relaxed state.

Busy, Busy, Busy!

We're in the heart and heat of summer and so much has been going on. Time to bullet point for catch-up purposes.

*Logan did very well on his regents exams (he took two 9th grade exams as an 8th grader) and is moving on to High School come September.

*We already expect Logan & swim pals, Jimmy and Kenny, to make HS Varsity swim team as they already have qualifying times beat.

*Logan's 8-month relationship with Hannah ended. After a month of quiet time, he is beginning to date swim teammate Samantha. I understand Hannah also seeing new boy. Ahhh! Young love. They make it see so effortless.

*Reiki has become part of my life in many areas from treating others as well as myself on a daily basis.

*Still fighting the battle of the bulge. Hoping band adjustment will jump-start me as my lovely body fights me to let nothing go.

*Work has been more challenging then ever. We were hit with some terrible losses to our team by reassignments. Nobody saw this coming. I continue to hold my position and am now back under ML still as contingent worker with employee status dangling in front of me.

*Logan & Bill dealing with some issues coming to the surface. Some repair work needed. At a loss on how to fix this and understand that it may not be mine to fix. Frustrating all around.

*Summer swimming has begun which includes 6am practices for Long Course (Olympic sized laps) and 8:30am for summer team. Logan is exhausted but at an all time top physical shape. Just need to improve nutrition to support this active lifestyle. Thank God for refreshing fruit season!

*Home interior design projects have begun. "Project Musical Rooms" has begun. More to come as we begin painting room 1 of 3 this weekend.

*Summer vacay all set. Logan & Kevin traveling for week planned with family in Florida with an added visit from me on tail end. On top of that, I'm taking a day off each week plus one week on vacation at home. Time for some much needed down time.

And...life goes on!